Insecurity

I have a lot of hangups about sex and my body. I feel less comfortable taking charge and being an active participant in the bedroom. I feel like it's taken a lot of time to feel confident while having sex with my husband, still not liking to make too much eye contact or be looked at for very long. I have a hard enough time making eye contact in day to day life. Once in a yoga workshop I was taking for a few months, we did an exercise where we all held hands and went around in a chain and had to look each person in the class in the eye for about a minute without talking. I felt like I was going to vomit. It was awful.

This new guy, who I call Punk Rock Librarian, really likes to look people in the eye. I could tell right away, that I was being too shifty. But when I can barely look my own husband in the eye when we're having sex, how could I look this total stranger in the eye during our first time meeting?

I hate feeling so insecure that I can't even bear to be looked at. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I try very hard not to come across this way. People think I have confidence, I don't dress conservatively and in fact sometimes dress quite outrageously. I dye my hair crazy colors and get attention drawing tattoos. But these things are all my armor. I wear a ton of makeup. I don't want people to see the real me. I'm afraid that once they do, they won't like me anymore. Sometimes I feel like my outer armor is all I have to offer.

I have to remind myself that I like cool things, do crazy amazing stuff, am pretty sharp and actually quite awesome. But sometimes it's hard to really FEEL that way.

It's weird how quickly you can fall for someone. I was excited to meet this new guy, but I didn't think I'd really end up liking him so quickly. It's hard not to think about the possibilities with someone new. You feel all this energy and lust, it's hard to keep your head and realize this person is still basically a stranger.

I went in full speed on the second date, which was only a day after the first date. And yet seeing him again made me feel that timid, shifty, uncomfortable feeling again. I suppose that's part of that new energy, being unsure. It wouldn't be as exciting if you weren't a little apprehensive and nervous. Every time he touched me it was like an electric current ran right through me. Part of me wanted to run away and hide. But I know now, from a lot of crazy experiences I've had lately, that in order to enjoy life you have to face your fears.

So I went for it. Made it clear that I would definitely have sex with him. And of course, it was slightly awkward and foreign, as it always is the first time you have sex with someone. But it also was amazing and electric and exciting, just like I hoped. (The first time I had sex with someone other than David, it wasn't right. It was exciting and outdoors, but it was almost too weird and awkward and just didn't feel right.)

But man, it was hard to look this guy in the eye. Hard to be naked and let him see me without feeling sick. I hate how I feel so uncomfortable in my body. And then after, my makeup smeared and my hair a mess, I again wanted to run and hide. As if that really mattered after what we had shared, and yet suddenly I thought if he saw me this way, he'd immediately be turned off. But he wasn't. So why am I so weird about it?

I don't want to be this insecure anymore. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. And I also hate how attached I get. I'm just getting to know this person and I act like it's some big thing, when it could just be passing fancy. And it doesn't matter if it is, it's fun for fun's sake. It's all about enjoying it, so why can't I just fucking relax and enjoy it?

So I'm going to force myself to be myself and to not worry about how I'm coming across or what the future holds, because now is the only moment.

"'Life is available only in the present moment.' This is a simple teaching of the Buddha, but very deep. If someone asked you, 'Has the best moment of your life arrived yet?' many of you would probably say that the best moment of your life has not yet come. We all have a tendency to believe that the best moment of our lives has not yet come, but that it will come very soon. But if we continue to live in the same way, waiting for the best moment to arrive, the best moment will never arrive.

You may believe that your happiness is somewhere else, over there, or in the future, but in fact you can touch your happiness right now. You are alive. You can open your eyes, you can see the sunshine, the beautiful color of the sky, the wonderful vegetation, your friends and relatives around you. This is the best moment of your life!"

- Excerpt from A Pebble for Your Pocket by Thich Nhat Hanh