Yeah, I was just overreacting about Sam. I'll be seeing him next week. I don't know why I get all worked up about such things, it's not as though I'm looking for a regular commitment, really. I just hate the idea that sleeping with a man changes the dynamic of the relationship. I mean, I get that it can shift things a little, but it has always seemed to me that there are a lot of men out there who kind of change after you have sex with them. Like it gives them power over you? Why doesn't it give the woman power? Maybe it does for others, maybe I just need to stop being weak or paranoid or anxious. Or stop all of these things!

Mostly I am having a hard time with knowing who to talk to about things going on in my life. Like, I feel like I can talk to my main partners, but that I kind of hold back because I don't want to cause jealousy. Mostly because I wouldn't want to hear about all these things from them. And then there are my friends. I don't have many very close girlfriends, and the ones I do have it's kind of a weird situation to talk to them about things. They either are just completely bored by my complicated love life and don't want to hear me whine anymore - I get a lot of "don't you have enough already?" or they are kind of weirded out and uncomfortable by our lifestyle and aren't super supportive.Now, I'm not saying my friends aren't supportive, I can just tell that the ones that I'm closest to don't *really* want to hear about it. So I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. I suppose that is what most people do, but I've always been kind of an open book with everyone.

I did get to talk a lot about this with our therapist a few weeks ago, which was nice. And while she understood, she also explained where my friends might be coming from. It's asking a lot of them to hear about this stuff when they aren't necessarily comfortable with it. So what I really need to do is try and make more connections with other poly people. I have a few poly friends, but no one I'm really close to. I'm going to make an effort to try and spend more time with these people.

Tonight husband and I are attending a poly meetup at someone's house. I'm nervous because ACK STRANGERS, but I think it'll be nice to meet people in the "scene" and maybe make a few friends. We'll see.

Jealousy, Arguments, Therapy and a Light at the End of the Tunnel

Haven't written much here lately. It doesn't help that I know that both husband and boyfriend read this blog. In fact they probably read it more regularly than anyone else. I shot myself in the foot with telling them about it. But I guess otherwise I wouldn't really have any regular readership at all. But I have all these feelings I want to talk about! And I don't want to make anyone feel bad! So I'll reign it in, I suppose.

The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.

I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.

Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.