Yeah, I was just overreacting about Sam. I'll be seeing him next week. I don't know why I get all worked up about such things, it's not as though I'm looking for a regular commitment, really. I just hate the idea that sleeping with a man changes the dynamic of the relationship. I mean, I get that it can shift things a little, but it has always seemed to me that there are a lot of men out there who kind of change after you have sex with them. Like it gives them power over you? Why doesn't it give the woman power? Maybe it does for others, maybe I just need to stop being weak or paranoid or anxious. Or stop all of these things!

Mostly I am having a hard time with knowing who to talk to about things going on in my life. Like, I feel like I can talk to my main partners, but that I kind of hold back because I don't want to cause jealousy. Mostly because I wouldn't want to hear about all these things from them. And then there are my friends. I don't have many very close girlfriends, and the ones I do have it's kind of a weird situation to talk to them about things. They either are just completely bored by my complicated love life and don't want to hear me whine anymore - I get a lot of "don't you have enough already?" or they are kind of weirded out and uncomfortable by our lifestyle and aren't super supportive.Now, I'm not saying my friends aren't supportive, I can just tell that the ones that I'm closest to don't *really* want to hear about it. So I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. I suppose that is what most people do, but I've always been kind of an open book with everyone.

I did get to talk a lot about this with our therapist a few weeks ago, which was nice. And while she understood, she also explained where my friends might be coming from. It's asking a lot of them to hear about this stuff when they aren't necessarily comfortable with it. So what I really need to do is try and make more connections with other poly people. I have a few poly friends, but no one I'm really close to. I'm going to make an effort to try and spend more time with these people.

Tonight husband and I are attending a poly meetup at someone's house. I'm nervous because ACK STRANGERS, but I think it'll be nice to meet people in the "scene" and maybe make a few friends. We'll see.

Well hello

It's been a while. Over 2 months. I've been busy living life rather than posting about it I guess. Back at the end of October I went on a two week trip to Europe for the first time in my life. It was pretty fantastic. I even made a connection with someone at the very end and it was just lovely. A little sad, though, to think I'll most likely never see him again.

Things have been pretty good. My husband seems to have much less jealousy issues with my boyfriend lately. I even went a way a few weeks ago for a night at the boyfriend's cabin, which was very lovely and I think really brought us closer together.

I have been having some of my own personal issues lately, though with everything that's been going on. After my trip, things were great. I really missed my husband during that time, kind of desperately. I missed my boyfriend a lot as well, though it wasn't quite the same as missing the person you live with. Being away from my husband was just so much harder than I had anticipated. Then, when I got back, I started being more active on OK Cupid again (where I met my boyfriend). I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my husband was starting to go out on new dates and my boyfriend had some interest, I was feeling like I needed to do something to distract myself from some jealousy. Probably not the best motivation.

I connected with someone, Greg, had some back and for like you do, and went out. I didn't expect much, honestly. But I did like him and he seemed to like me. He put the moves on, we made out. He said nice things like "let's get together again soon" and talked about how he really wanted to go out again. And then came the radio silence. I most likely should have just taken that hint and gone on my merry way, but I was so confused. So I texted and he waited a while to get back to me, but he did. He said that yes, let's get together soon. Then nothing again for a week. I had written him off. And then he texted again saying how about next week? I suggested a Wednesday I had free, and he confirmed.  Then, again, absolutely nothing for a week. In the meantime I had met another person online (Sam) the Sunday before this date that I thought I had with Greg. I wasn't expecting much with the new guy. Sam seemed new to poly and more in need of a person to chat with about things than an actual date with someone. But then, to my complete surprise, I totally hit it off with him too. And Sam just seems like a total romantic, someone I can really enjoy spending quality time with. We could talk for hours, it was really nice. But I had this busy full week and even though I wanted to see Sam again, there just wasn't any time. Especially because of my scheduled date with Greg. But I hadn't even heard from him. Everyone told me to just leave it alone and expect that I had been blown off, but I had to at least say something. So on Tuesday, I texted and asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he basically said, no, too busy. Well, then, fine. I'm done. Deleted from my phone. If he's not interested, there's plenty who are. And instead, invited Sam out for drinks and it was absolutely a lovely time.

That was a few weeks ago. Last week I was overbooked and had lots of scheduling conflicts so I only went out with boyfriend and spent quality time with husband. Then, last Thursday, both of them were out on dates at the same time and I ended up hanging out at home on my own. Well, turns out, that's a whole pile of jealousy waiting to happen. Then, later that night and the next day, found out both of them slept with their dates. Now, this wasn't a huge surprise or anything, it's all part of it. It's just, both of them sleeping with new people for the first time on the same night while I sat at home stewing, well, it hit me harder than I expected it to. I could barely keep it together the next day, then went to a party and self medicated by overindulging in wine. I was so sick on Saturday. Yuck.

Anyways, I ended up having a really lovely date with Sam on Sunday and went ended up having sex. I'll be honest, this had been part of the plan. I flirted not so subtly about it leading up to the date via text. And it was really lovely. Not even very awkward like first time sex usually is. I enjoyed myself and felt like he did too. Received some nice text messages to make sure I got home ok after, letting me know he had a lovely time and everything. When we were out on Sunday, we had kind of talked about a few different things going on the following weekend and whether or not he would want to come to a Christmas party I'm going to. There were some scheduling conflicts and I wanted to check in with my husband, so last night I texted my end of what was going on. And then, nothing. No response like I had been used to getting when I texted. Not this morning either. Just...silence. Now, I know I'm impatient, but usually he texts back right away. And because of all the bullshit that happened with Greg, I'm ultra paranoid. Because I'm pretty sure Sam was into it, and into seeing me again, and had a great time. Mostly because he said it. But Greg said things like that too. And I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't understand how guys work, or just people in the world lie. And then I feel sad and slightly panicky, mostly because I was excited about the prospect of spending some more time with Sam. I just like him, you know? He's a very interesting man who I enjoy spending time with. I realize it's not the end of the world, that I have plenty of love in my life, but it just feels weird to think that perhaps something is amiss.

Or, you know, he just hasn't had a minute to figure out his schedule this weekend and will respond later. Who knows. I tend to make a bigger deal out of things than I need to.

Moral of the story: I have a lot of feelings. Heh.

Polyamory: Married and Dating

Currently marathoning this show. My husband can't stand it, so I'm watching it on my own. It kind of irritates me as well. Lots of "pretty people" who want to be in the spotlight. Like, OF COURSE, Lindsay is a singer with a recording contract that fell through. That's why she wants to be on tv!

I could write many paragraphs all about weird things on this show, but I'll spare you and just share a few of my observations/irritations. I'm being extraordinarily judgmental, I know.

 - With "The Triad", I think it's obviously more about how Vanessa and Anthony are into Lindsay and not each other at all. It's like it revolves around her.

 - Vanessa irritates the crap out of me. She's SUPER controlling and possessive. Doesn't seem like she's really poly at all, she really just wants to be with Lindsay and to have her all to herself.

- As for the other couples, Jen is obviously super uncomfortable with just about everything that is happening. I feel kind of bad for her, actually. Especially because the rest of them creep me out. I'd hate to be surrounded by them.

- The creepiest? Michael. Ew. SKEEVY. I don't want to look at him anymore.

- This foursome seems to boil down to Kamala and Tahl wanting to be together and the rest of them just kind of hover around for attention.

- Why did they have to make this just a soft core porn show? I don't give a fuck about seeing these people have sex. Oh wait, it's on Showtime. I forgot. Blech.

Now, I'm not saying that MY TYPE of poly is the only type, but watching this makes me realize I don't think I'd really want to do things the way the people on the show do, dating other people as a couple. I like having individual relationship that just happen to be concurrent with my other relationships. Maybe I'll feel differently later, but I like being able to keep things a little separate, even though I do wish we could all be friends and spend more time together socially.

Jealousy, Arguments, Therapy and a Light at the End of the Tunnel

Haven't written much here lately. It doesn't help that I know that both husband and boyfriend read this blog. In fact they probably read it more regularly than anyone else. I shot myself in the foot with telling them about it. But I guess otherwise I wouldn't really have any regular readership at all. But I have all these feelings I want to talk about! And I don't want to make anyone feel bad! So I'll reign it in, I suppose.

The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.

I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.

Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.

Overwhelmed and Emotional

Last night I went out to this show/event that Punk Rock Librarian was in, and in addition to my husband and his wife being there, I brought my best friend and another friend, PRL's other girlfriend came and his wife's boyfriend and his wife and fiance came. Just typing that makes my brain hurt. I totally had a great time and everyone met and got along just fine, but I drank a little too much and was a bit overwhelmed by all of it and had a mini breakdown at the end of the evening. Poor David got to deal with my meltdown. On the way home I was kind of on the verge of being upset, tearing up a little, but then later at home I kind of let go and gave into the meltdown. I believe the term "crying jag" applies here. I was overwhelmed with emotions I guess.

Let's see, there was jealousy from being around both of PRL's other partners, nervousness at meeting new people, the strange feelings from having both of my partners at the same place and not knowing how to act, the ongoing guilt I feel with David about how I feel like I'm forcing him to share me especially since he doesn't have another partner. All that mixed with too much booze equals a crying mess of mascara. There was part of me that just wanted to give up the whole thing. A really small part, because I'm now very attached to PRL and don't think I could give him up at this point.

And that leads me to I think what my underlying issue is. I feel like things have moved pretty quickly in this new relationship and I wasn't exactly expecting it to happen this way. It seems like it's gotten pretty heavy, at least for me. Because that's just how I tend to be, I get attached quickly and feel things pretty strongly, so I guess I should have known that would happen. But I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of getting hurt, of course, but it's more like I'm afraid of hurting David, especially by falling in love with another man. We talked last night, and he seems fully on board with everything and is totally understanding. He said he expected it, and not to worry. But I have this feeling that it's really affecting him more than he lets on and I just don't want to ruin things. I don't know what I would do without him.

But I suppose there is a part of me that knows I'm good at making things a bigger deal than they actually are. I fully realize that I should just be enjoying things and not over analyzing everything. I just get so in my head about this stuff and get preoccupied by intense emotions and sort of shut down. I guess that's what happened last night. It's all a lot to take.

This article on The Huffington Post about Anderson Cooper is an interesting take on celebrity infidelity, which I wrote about briefly a few weeks ago. Given my recent lifestyle change, I've started to look at things often similarly to the author of the piece, that perhaps when we see celebrities cheating, maybe it isn't cheating and that they just have an arrangement. I mean, honestly, they spend nearly no time together because of busy schedules in different locations, why would you want to limit yourself by being monogamous? I realize monogamy is the standard, though, and that it is much more acceptable to be though of as unfaithful than to tell people that you're actually polyamorous or in an open relationship. I do agree that it probably wouldn't be helpful to the equality movement of LGBTQ people to not only come out as gay, but then come out as non-monogamous. Just reading the comments of that article prove that, because it seems like people view non-monogamous people as sex-starved promiscuous degenerates who have detached emotionally from sex. It makes me sad, because that's not really the case for me.

I'll be honest, at first, kinda thought I was in it for the sex. I mean, my sex life has improved greatly and I'm thankful for that. But that's not really it. I realized that I truly can't enjoy intimacy without a meaningful emotional connection. That's the part that people are missing when they make comments like "Ah more gay propaganda on the healthiness of sexual promiscuity and detachment of sex from any meaningful emotion." and " But at a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, guests don't congratulate the couple for a life of sexual activity. That's just crazy!" That's just not what polyamory is about for me. I'm not detaching sex from emotion. In fact, I feel more meaning in the sex with my husband now than I did before. Just because we're trying to eliminate jealousy from our lives, doesn't mean that we are devoid of emotion. Also, perhaps at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration, we will celebrate a life full of wonderful relationships and love and our friends will congratulate us on that. I've said it before, it's not just about sex. It isn't not about sex, either. It's not about one specific thing, it's complicated, just like all relationships. Well, perhaps a bit more complicated, but I enjoy that aspect of it too. I like a little drama in my life. Not terribly bad drama, just light intrigue. Polyamory has provided plenty of that.

It just frustrates me, the way the mainstream views the concept of non-monogamy. It's so sensationalized and scandalized. My life is generally pretty tame. I'm not a degenerate, I don't do drugs, I've never had an STD, I have a normal job and am generally an upstanding member of society. But yes, I have multiple partners. And because of the way it is viewed, I can't share one of those partners with parts of my family, my coworkers and some of my friends because of the negative connotations it has.

I don't have a solution, obviously. I'm so new to this. But I wish sometimes that I could just shake people who think that it's such a disastrous lifestyle and tell them how wonderful it can be. Because it's pretty awesome right now.

Mom

Well, you guys, I told my mom. My mom and I are close AND she lives in the apartment next door to us, so while I know a lot of people don't tell their families and parents about being poly, I knew in my heart that I had to. So a combination of frustration about keeping all this secret and a few drinks resulted in me marching right over there last night, sitting my ass down on the couch and coming out to her as poly.

I prefaced it by saying she may not like what she heard, but that I had to tell her something about David and I, and that it wasn't bad news. Then I asked her what she knew about polyamory. What followed was some shock, a lot of curious questions, some giggling and generally ACCEPTANCE. Which I knew would be the case, because she's a cool freaking lady. She talked about jealousy in her own marriage, how she didn't let my dad go off and do things without her, and how that was a big problem. She talked about how happy I've been lately just to have my own friends and busy life. While a little shocked, she didn't honestly seem that surprised. I think she just wanted to make sure that David and I were ok, because she loves him so much. But of course, we're great, and I let her know that things were really good.

I also told her about my new boyfriend, Punk Rock Librarian(tm)*. And yes, I said boyfriend. Sounds weird, right? But I mean, that's the best term we have to use to describe the relationship, and he told me he was referring to me as his girlfriend, so there you have it. I now have a husband and a boyfriend. How very progressive of me. I'm a lucky lady.

She checked him out, said he was cute. Think she was a little blown away when I explained that he was married, that he has another girlfriend, and that his wife has a boyfriend with a wife and a fiance. I'm still a little bit blown away.

But while it's all strange and new to her, she didn't get judgmental or upset and I am very, very happy about that. It's great to have family support, and the support of friends. I just don't want to hide something from everyone that is making my life so happy.

*I need to mention that I keep calling him Punk Rock Librarian because he actually has the same name as my husband, which I, you know, changed for privacy and all that. Maybe I'll call him Dave and call my husband David? It's all a little confusing when I talk about both of them.

Random Thoughts

I think that Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are non-monogamous, mostly from things she has said in articles. I also think they are one of the most adorable couples on the planet, so there's that. DISCUSS.

My husband went back and read all of this blog a few days ago. I said I had been holding back in case he did, he said it didn't seem like I was holding back. I suppose I don't hold back very well. He also said that I had said something about having so much love in my life, or mentioned the word love when it relates to other partners, and it bothered him. I don't think I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about him, but isn't that what polyamory means, many loves? Maybe it's different kinds of love, but I'm sure there will be love. But like I said, it'll never be what we have, because everyone is different. Every relationship has different dynamics. He's my best friend and my partner in life. I try to tell him as much as I can, but it's hard when I'm focusing some attention elsewhere.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed with things to do lately, so last weekend I attempted to recharge by spending a lot of time at home during the day on Saturday and Sunday. I'm still plenty exhausted though and seem to have something going on nearly every day after work again this week. All I want to do is crawl into bed. But I think that also has a lot to do with the fact that my period is about to start, so I'm just emotional, headachy and tired. And I probably need to start cooling it on all the boozing. That seems to be what I do with everyone, grab drinks. Summer is just like that I suppose.

I watched this terrible movie called Fling the other night about open relationships. Seems like every movie is going to demonize the lifestyle, or make it more fucked up and sordid than it really is. Oh, and pretty much no one used protection in it. Everyone I know who is poly is pretty strict about protection and getting tested. We're not just a bunch of sex-crazed degenerates.

I'm interested in checking out the new Showtime Polyamory reality show, though I don't really like most reality tv at all. It looks like it could either be interesting or exploitative. I'm worried it's possibly the latter. Still worth watching I suppose.

I think I'm going to tell my mom about all this. Not sure how she'll react. So far, people try hard to act like it's not a big deal, but it seems like they're a little shocked. Or they really just don't care. I think she could go either way, honestly. Maybe it won't be a big deal. Let's hope.

Last night I went out on a "friend date" with someone I had been talking to on OkCupid. Basically we were talking at the same time that I was talking to the man I'm now dating, and while I don't really feel equipped to try and date anyone else right now (nor do I have much desire to), I thought it would at least be nice to spend some time talking over drinks about being in monogamish/open relationships. And it was quite good. His situation seems different than mine, which was nice to get a different perspective. It's always good to make new friends. I forget that sometimes.

Anyway, through talking to him, and talking about my ex and how closed off he was to the idea of open relationships even though we had a lot of poly friends, I kind of had some epiphanies. Well, honestly, I've been having more and more of them in regards to that relationship as I go through all of this.

My ex is 14 years older than me. I must admit, I have always had a thing for older guys. I like men my own age as well, like my husband, but there's something intriguing about dating someone 10+ years older. I can't quite explain what it is, I just like it. Maybe it's the idea of experience, or the authority they seem to carry. Or maybe I have daddy issues. Who knows.

I started dating my ex when I was 23 years old and was with him for nearly 4 years. A very large chunk of my twenties. At the beginning he seemed interesting and kind of exciting, but that really changed over the course of our relationship. He became increasingly depressed and unmotivated. He really brought me into the goth scene, and with that, the fetish scene, but then quickly became very jealous of me doing these things and spending time with our friends, even if he was there. It was a very strange and obsessive relationship, but not a very sexual one. See, he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, yet didn't really find me very attractive. He very rarely said it outright, though. He mostly acted like he was into me, but never really wanted to have sex. And I was completely obsessed with him for some reason. But because I felt unattractive, I tried breaking things off with him many times, and turns out he was a bit obsessed with me as well. We just kept getting back together. I couldn't say no to him. It was like I was under some sort of spell.

I tried hard to turn myself into something he would want. I was very extreme about my look. I became something I was not, and it never even worked. So, basically I spent a very large chunk of what were supposed to be fun and carefree twenties bound up with a man who wasn't attracted to me, was depressed, codependent, and domineering. It was almost as though he systematically tore me down until I was under his control. I felt ugly and disgusting most of the time, ashamed of my curvy body, ashamed of my sexual desires. I felt guilt whenever I went out to spend time with my friends and spent a lot of time at home with him. But while he wanted me around, he didn't even seem to really like me much.

When I was in my early twenties, I was full of fire and confidence. I mean, yes, I wasn't always 100% confident, but I owned my body and knew I was an awesome person. This man helped shape me into a coward. It has been 5 years since I finally left him, and it has taken me a long time to feel good about myself again. I have really judged my own worth by what others think of me, rather than trying to love myself for who I am. My husband David has really been a good part of it. It took me a long time to trust him, and to believe that he actually wanted to be with me. I still have a lot of moments where I think I'm not good enough, but I'm learning to ignore that voice and to just be myself.

I think there was a time when I would have realized that being poly was right for me back then if it weren't for my ex being so down on it. Mostly because I had a lot of people in my life then who were poly and I found it very interesting. But I think being poly now is also coming from a place of missing out on some years where I could have been out having fun, dating and having sex, when I was just at home feeling terrible about everything.

But the big epiphany moment I had last night was when I realized why I'm having a hard time trusting things with this new relationship. Because I never expect people to actually be attracted to me. I really don't. So even though he tells me that he's really into me, there's a part of me that thinks that can't possibly be true. I think "there are so many other much more beautiful women in the world, why on earth would someone want to spend any time with me?" And that's just fucking stupid. I may not be very thin, but I am a good looking person. But it isn't even really that much about that. I mean, yes, looks count, but also? I'm an awesome person. That's what matters. Connecting with someone on a deeper level than just physical beauty is just how these things progress usually.

I'm so glad I can finally try and accept myself as I am. I am more confident again, a feeling I missed. It's a daily struggle, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't about me, it was about him and his own insecurities. I'm so glad I got away from that and am in a loving marriage with a good man. I feel very lucky.