Last night I went out on a "friend date" with someone I had been talking to on OkCupid. Basically we were talking at the same time that I was talking to the man I'm now dating, and while I don't really feel equipped to try and date anyone else right now (nor do I have much desire to), I thought it would at least be nice to spend some time talking over drinks about being in monogamish/open relationships. And it was quite good. His situation seems different than mine, which was nice to get a different perspective. It's always good to make new friends. I forget that sometimes.

Anyway, through talking to him, and talking about my ex and how closed off he was to the idea of open relationships even though we had a lot of poly friends, I kind of had some epiphanies. Well, honestly, I've been having more and more of them in regards to that relationship as I go through all of this.

My ex is 14 years older than me. I must admit, I have always had a thing for older guys. I like men my own age as well, like my husband, but there's something intriguing about dating someone 10+ years older. I can't quite explain what it is, I just like it. Maybe it's the idea of experience, or the authority they seem to carry. Or maybe I have daddy issues. Who knows.

I started dating my ex when I was 23 years old and was with him for nearly 4 years. A very large chunk of my twenties. At the beginning he seemed interesting and kind of exciting, but that really changed over the course of our relationship. He became increasingly depressed and unmotivated. He really brought me into the goth scene, and with that, the fetish scene, but then quickly became very jealous of me doing these things and spending time with our friends, even if he was there. It was a very strange and obsessive relationship, but not a very sexual one. See, he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, yet didn't really find me very attractive. He very rarely said it outright, though. He mostly acted like he was into me, but never really wanted to have sex. And I was completely obsessed with him for some reason. But because I felt unattractive, I tried breaking things off with him many times, and turns out he was a bit obsessed with me as well. We just kept getting back together. I couldn't say no to him. It was like I was under some sort of spell.

I tried hard to turn myself into something he would want. I was very extreme about my look. I became something I was not, and it never even worked. So, basically I spent a very large chunk of what were supposed to be fun and carefree twenties bound up with a man who wasn't attracted to me, was depressed, codependent, and domineering. It was almost as though he systematically tore me down until I was under his control. I felt ugly and disgusting most of the time, ashamed of my curvy body, ashamed of my sexual desires. I felt guilt whenever I went out to spend time with my friends and spent a lot of time at home with him. But while he wanted me around, he didn't even seem to really like me much.

When I was in my early twenties, I was full of fire and confidence. I mean, yes, I wasn't always 100% confident, but I owned my body and knew I was an awesome person. This man helped shape me into a coward. It has been 5 years since I finally left him, and it has taken me a long time to feel good about myself again. I have really judged my own worth by what others think of me, rather than trying to love myself for who I am. My husband David has really been a good part of it. It took me a long time to trust him, and to believe that he actually wanted to be with me. I still have a lot of moments where I think I'm not good enough, but I'm learning to ignore that voice and to just be myself.

I think there was a time when I would have realized that being poly was right for me back then if it weren't for my ex being so down on it. Mostly because I had a lot of people in my life then who were poly and I found it very interesting. But I think being poly now is also coming from a place of missing out on some years where I could have been out having fun, dating and having sex, when I was just at home feeling terrible about everything.

But the big epiphany moment I had last night was when I realized why I'm having a hard time trusting things with this new relationship. Because I never expect people to actually be attracted to me. I really don't. So even though he tells me that he's really into me, there's a part of me that thinks that can't possibly be true. I think "there are so many other much more beautiful women in the world, why on earth would someone want to spend any time with me?" And that's just fucking stupid. I may not be very thin, but I am a good looking person. But it isn't even really that much about that. I mean, yes, looks count, but also? I'm an awesome person. That's what matters. Connecting with someone on a deeper level than just physical beauty is just how these things progress usually.

I'm so glad I can finally try and accept myself as I am. I am more confident again, a feeling I missed. It's a daily struggle, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't about me, it was about him and his own insecurities. I'm so glad I got away from that and am in a loving marriage with a good man. I feel very lucky.