Currently marathoning this show. My husband can't stand it, so I'm watching it on my own. It kind of irritates me as well. Lots of "pretty people" who want to be in the spotlight. Like, OF COURSE, Lindsay is a singer with a recording contract that fell through. That's why she wants to be on tv!
I could write many paragraphs all about weird things on this show, but I'll spare you and just share a few of my observations/irritations. I'm being extraordinarily judgmental, I know.
- With "The Triad", I think it's obviously more about how Vanessa and Anthony are into Lindsay and not each other at all. It's like it revolves around her.
- Vanessa irritates the crap out of me. She's SUPER controlling and possessive. Doesn't seem like she's really poly at all, she really just wants to be with Lindsay and to have her all to herself.
- As for the other couples, Jen is obviously super uncomfortable with just about everything that is happening. I feel kind of bad for her, actually. Especially because the rest of them creep me out. I'd hate to be surrounded by them.
- The creepiest? Michael. Ew. SKEEVY. I don't want to look at him anymore.
- This foursome seems to boil down to Kamala and Tahl wanting to be together and the rest of them just kind of hover around for attention.
- Why did they have to make this just a soft core porn show? I don't give a fuck about seeing these people have sex. Oh wait, it's on Showtime. I forgot. Blech.
Now, I'm not saying that MY TYPE of poly is the only type, but watching this makes me realize I don't think I'd really want to do things the way the people on the show do, dating other people as a couple. I like having individual relationship that just happen to be concurrent with my other relationships. Maybe I'll feel differently later, but I like being able to keep things a little separate, even though I do wish we could all be friends and spend more time together socially.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
When I got married I thought I had everything figured out. Now I feel like I know nothing, and I can't even tell what I want.
My husband has started showing more interest in having kids. I'm telling you, a year ago, that was all I wanted. But now I feel like maybe he's only doing it because he knows it'll probably put an end to being poly, or at least put it on hold. And I do want to do this, but at the same time it's probably not necessarily a great idea when things are so up in the air and rocky. Having children is a huge life-altering decision. I shouldn't even be talking about it so lightly.
And of course I made the mistake of talking to the boyfriend about it, who, it seems, would run screaming in the other direction if I were to start trying to get pregnant or become pregnant. Which is totally understandable, this is not something he is interested in being involved in. But it still sort of stings. You think something is deep or important or something and then you realize, wow, I barely fucking know this person. It's not about being serious, it's about being light and having fun. Well, maybe I'm not capable of that. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm afraid to stop being selfish. I'm afraid of being an adult, and making serious adult choices. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being a childish baby who has a new toy she doesn't want to give up.
My husband has started showing more interest in having kids. I'm telling you, a year ago, that was all I wanted. But now I feel like maybe he's only doing it because he knows it'll probably put an end to being poly, or at least put it on hold. And I do want to do this, but at the same time it's probably not necessarily a great idea when things are so up in the air and rocky. Having children is a huge life-altering decision. I shouldn't even be talking about it so lightly.
And of course I made the mistake of talking to the boyfriend about it, who, it seems, would run screaming in the other direction if I were to start trying to get pregnant or become pregnant. Which is totally understandable, this is not something he is interested in being involved in. But it still sort of stings. You think something is deep or important or something and then you realize, wow, I barely fucking know this person. It's not about being serious, it's about being light and having fun. Well, maybe I'm not capable of that. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm afraid to stop being selfish. I'm afraid of being an adult, and making serious adult choices. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being a childish baby who has a new toy she doesn't want to give up.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Dear Anonymous Commenters
I will no longer be accepting anonymous comments because if you want to tell me how I feel when you don't even know me or suggest things that aren't true, you should be required to provide your identity in some way.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Jealousy, Arguments, Therapy and a Light at the End of the Tunnel
Haven't written much here lately. It doesn't help that I know that both husband and boyfriend read this blog. In fact they probably read it more regularly than anyone else. I shot myself in the foot with telling them about it. But I guess otherwise I wouldn't really have any regular readership at all. But I have all these feelings I want to talk about! And I don't want to make anyone feel bad! So I'll reign it in, I suppose.
The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.
I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.
Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.
The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.
I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.
Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.
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