Yeah, I was just overreacting about Sam. I'll be seeing him next week. I don't know why I get all worked up about such things, it's not as though I'm looking for a regular commitment, really. I just hate the idea that sleeping with a man changes the dynamic of the relationship. I mean, I get that it can shift things a little, but it has always seemed to me that there are a lot of men out there who kind of change after you have sex with them. Like it gives them power over you? Why doesn't it give the woman power? Maybe it does for others, maybe I just need to stop being weak or paranoid or anxious. Or stop all of these things!

Mostly I am having a hard time with knowing who to talk to about things going on in my life. Like, I feel like I can talk to my main partners, but that I kind of hold back because I don't want to cause jealousy. Mostly because I wouldn't want to hear about all these things from them. And then there are my friends. I don't have many very close girlfriends, and the ones I do have it's kind of a weird situation to talk to them about things. They either are just completely bored by my complicated love life and don't want to hear me whine anymore - I get a lot of "don't you have enough already?" or they are kind of weirded out and uncomfortable by our lifestyle and aren't super supportive.Now, I'm not saying my friends aren't supportive, I can just tell that the ones that I'm closest to don't *really* want to hear about it. So I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. I suppose that is what most people do, but I've always been kind of an open book with everyone.

I did get to talk a lot about this with our therapist a few weeks ago, which was nice. And while she understood, she also explained where my friends might be coming from. It's asking a lot of them to hear about this stuff when they aren't necessarily comfortable with it. So what I really need to do is try and make more connections with other poly people. I have a few poly friends, but no one I'm really close to. I'm going to make an effort to try and spend more time with these people.

Tonight husband and I are attending a poly meetup at someone's house. I'm nervous because ACK STRANGERS, but I think it'll be nice to meet people in the "scene" and maybe make a few friends. We'll see.

Well hello

It's been a while. Over 2 months. I've been busy living life rather than posting about it I guess. Back at the end of October I went on a two week trip to Europe for the first time in my life. It was pretty fantastic. I even made a connection with someone at the very end and it was just lovely. A little sad, though, to think I'll most likely never see him again.

Things have been pretty good. My husband seems to have much less jealousy issues with my boyfriend lately. I even went a way a few weeks ago for a night at the boyfriend's cabin, which was very lovely and I think really brought us closer together.

I have been having some of my own personal issues lately, though with everything that's been going on. After my trip, things were great. I really missed my husband during that time, kind of desperately. I missed my boyfriend a lot as well, though it wasn't quite the same as missing the person you live with. Being away from my husband was just so much harder than I had anticipated. Then, when I got back, I started being more active on OK Cupid again (where I met my boyfriend). I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my husband was starting to go out on new dates and my boyfriend had some interest, I was feeling like I needed to do something to distract myself from some jealousy. Probably not the best motivation.

I connected with someone, Greg, had some back and for like you do, and went out. I didn't expect much, honestly. But I did like him and he seemed to like me. He put the moves on, we made out. He said nice things like "let's get together again soon" and talked about how he really wanted to go out again. And then came the radio silence. I most likely should have just taken that hint and gone on my merry way, but I was so confused. So I texted and he waited a while to get back to me, but he did. He said that yes, let's get together soon. Then nothing again for a week. I had written him off. And then he texted again saying how about next week? I suggested a Wednesday I had free, and he confirmed.  Then, again, absolutely nothing for a week. In the meantime I had met another person online (Sam) the Sunday before this date that I thought I had with Greg. I wasn't expecting much with the new guy. Sam seemed new to poly and more in need of a person to chat with about things than an actual date with someone. But then, to my complete surprise, I totally hit it off with him too. And Sam just seems like a total romantic, someone I can really enjoy spending quality time with. We could talk for hours, it was really nice. But I had this busy full week and even though I wanted to see Sam again, there just wasn't any time. Especially because of my scheduled date with Greg. But I hadn't even heard from him. Everyone told me to just leave it alone and expect that I had been blown off, but I had to at least say something. So on Tuesday, I texted and asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he basically said, no, too busy. Well, then, fine. I'm done. Deleted from my phone. If he's not interested, there's plenty who are. And instead, invited Sam out for drinks and it was absolutely a lovely time.

That was a few weeks ago. Last week I was overbooked and had lots of scheduling conflicts so I only went out with boyfriend and spent quality time with husband. Then, last Thursday, both of them were out on dates at the same time and I ended up hanging out at home on my own. Well, turns out, that's a whole pile of jealousy waiting to happen. Then, later that night and the next day, found out both of them slept with their dates. Now, this wasn't a huge surprise or anything, it's all part of it. It's just, both of them sleeping with new people for the first time on the same night while I sat at home stewing, well, it hit me harder than I expected it to. I could barely keep it together the next day, then went to a party and self medicated by overindulging in wine. I was so sick on Saturday. Yuck.

Anyways, I ended up having a really lovely date with Sam on Sunday and went ended up having sex. I'll be honest, this had been part of the plan. I flirted not so subtly about it leading up to the date via text. And it was really lovely. Not even very awkward like first time sex usually is. I enjoyed myself and felt like he did too. Received some nice text messages to make sure I got home ok after, letting me know he had a lovely time and everything. When we were out on Sunday, we had kind of talked about a few different things going on the following weekend and whether or not he would want to come to a Christmas party I'm going to. There were some scheduling conflicts and I wanted to check in with my husband, so last night I texted my end of what was going on. And then, nothing. No response like I had been used to getting when I texted. Not this morning either. Just...silence. Now, I know I'm impatient, but usually he texts back right away. And because of all the bullshit that happened with Greg, I'm ultra paranoid. Because I'm pretty sure Sam was into it, and into seeing me again, and had a great time. Mostly because he said it. But Greg said things like that too. And I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't understand how guys work, or just people in the world lie. And then I feel sad and slightly panicky, mostly because I was excited about the prospect of spending some more time with Sam. I just like him, you know? He's a very interesting man who I enjoy spending time with. I realize it's not the end of the world, that I have plenty of love in my life, but it just feels weird to think that perhaps something is amiss.

Or, you know, he just hasn't had a minute to figure out his schedule this weekend and will respond later. Who knows. I tend to make a bigger deal out of things than I need to.

Moral of the story: I have a lot of feelings. Heh.

Polyamory: Married and Dating

Currently marathoning this show. My husband can't stand it, so I'm watching it on my own. It kind of irritates me as well. Lots of "pretty people" who want to be in the spotlight. Like, OF COURSE, Lindsay is a singer with a recording contract that fell through. That's why she wants to be on tv!

I could write many paragraphs all about weird things on this show, but I'll spare you and just share a few of my observations/irritations. I'm being extraordinarily judgmental, I know.

 - With "The Triad", I think it's obviously more about how Vanessa and Anthony are into Lindsay and not each other at all. It's like it revolves around her.

 - Vanessa irritates the crap out of me. She's SUPER controlling and possessive. Doesn't seem like she's really poly at all, she really just wants to be with Lindsay and to have her all to herself.

- As for the other couples, Jen is obviously super uncomfortable with just about everything that is happening. I feel kind of bad for her, actually. Especially because the rest of them creep me out. I'd hate to be surrounded by them.

- The creepiest? Michael. Ew. SKEEVY. I don't want to look at him anymore.

- This foursome seems to boil down to Kamala and Tahl wanting to be together and the rest of them just kind of hover around for attention.

- Why did they have to make this just a soft core porn show? I don't give a fuck about seeing these people have sex. Oh wait, it's on Showtime. I forgot. Blech.

Now, I'm not saying that MY TYPE of poly is the only type, but watching this makes me realize I don't think I'd really want to do things the way the people on the show do, dating other people as a couple. I like having individual relationship that just happen to be concurrent with my other relationships. Maybe I'll feel differently later, but I like being able to keep things a little separate, even though I do wish we could all be friends and spend more time together socially.

When I got married I thought I had everything figured out. Now I feel like I know nothing, and I can't even tell what I want.

My husband has started showing more interest in having kids. I'm telling you, a year ago, that was all I wanted. But now I feel like maybe he's only doing it because he knows it'll probably put an end to being poly, or at least put it on hold. And I do want to do this, but at the same time it's probably not necessarily a great idea when things are so up in the air and rocky. Having children is a huge life-altering decision. I shouldn't even be talking about it so lightly.

And of course I made the mistake of talking to the boyfriend about it, who, it seems, would run screaming in the other direction if I were to start trying to get pregnant or become pregnant. Which is totally understandable, this is not something he is interested in being involved in. But it still sort of stings. You think something is deep or important or something and then you realize, wow, I barely fucking know this person. It's not about being serious, it's about being light and having fun. Well, maybe I'm not capable of that. What the hell am I thinking?

I'm afraid to stop being selfish. I'm afraid of being an adult, and making serious adult choices. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being a childish baby who has a new toy she doesn't want to give up.

Dear Anonymous Commenters

I will no longer be accepting anonymous comments because if you want to tell me how I feel when you don't even know me or suggest things that aren't true, you should be required to provide your identity in some way.

Jealousy, Arguments, Therapy and a Light at the End of the Tunnel

Haven't written much here lately. It doesn't help that I know that both husband and boyfriend read this blog. In fact they probably read it more regularly than anyone else. I shot myself in the foot with telling them about it. But I guess otherwise I wouldn't really have any regular readership at all. But I have all these feelings I want to talk about! And I don't want to make anyone feel bad! So I'll reign it in, I suppose.

The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.

I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.

Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.

When you're polyamorous...

Conversation between my husband David and I via text:

Me: I kinda want spaghetti.

David: I can pick some up.

Me: :)

David: Also: you would date a tranny?

Me: Um. I don't know? Like, male to female? Or what?

David: Well I assume you meant female to male, but maybe I was mistaken.

Me: (realizing I answered a question on OK Cupid saying I would) Oh, did I answer a question? I don't know, I'd consider it. Either way. I'm not completely closed off to the idea.

David: But dating a transsexual sounds more appealing than dating a straight up woman?

Me: Yes.

David: Interesting. Do we have any parmesan?

Me: Yes.

Overwhelmed and Emotional

Last night I went out to this show/event that Punk Rock Librarian was in, and in addition to my husband and his wife being there, I brought my best friend and another friend, PRL's other girlfriend came and his wife's boyfriend and his wife and fiance came. Just typing that makes my brain hurt. I totally had a great time and everyone met and got along just fine, but I drank a little too much and was a bit overwhelmed by all of it and had a mini breakdown at the end of the evening. Poor David got to deal with my meltdown. On the way home I was kind of on the verge of being upset, tearing up a little, but then later at home I kind of let go and gave into the meltdown. I believe the term "crying jag" applies here. I was overwhelmed with emotions I guess.

Let's see, there was jealousy from being around both of PRL's other partners, nervousness at meeting new people, the strange feelings from having both of my partners at the same place and not knowing how to act, the ongoing guilt I feel with David about how I feel like I'm forcing him to share me especially since he doesn't have another partner. All that mixed with too much booze equals a crying mess of mascara. There was part of me that just wanted to give up the whole thing. A really small part, because I'm now very attached to PRL and don't think I could give him up at this point.

And that leads me to I think what my underlying issue is. I feel like things have moved pretty quickly in this new relationship and I wasn't exactly expecting it to happen this way. It seems like it's gotten pretty heavy, at least for me. Because that's just how I tend to be, I get attached quickly and feel things pretty strongly, so I guess I should have known that would happen. But I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of getting hurt, of course, but it's more like I'm afraid of hurting David, especially by falling in love with another man. We talked last night, and he seems fully on board with everything and is totally understanding. He said he expected it, and not to worry. But I have this feeling that it's really affecting him more than he lets on and I just don't want to ruin things. I don't know what I would do without him.

But I suppose there is a part of me that knows I'm good at making things a bigger deal than they actually are. I fully realize that I should just be enjoying things and not over analyzing everything. I just get so in my head about this stuff and get preoccupied by intense emotions and sort of shut down. I guess that's what happened last night. It's all a lot to take.

This article on The Huffington Post about Anderson Cooper is an interesting take on celebrity infidelity, which I wrote about briefly a few weeks ago. Given my recent lifestyle change, I've started to look at things often similarly to the author of the piece, that perhaps when we see celebrities cheating, maybe it isn't cheating and that they just have an arrangement. I mean, honestly, they spend nearly no time together because of busy schedules in different locations, why would you want to limit yourself by being monogamous? I realize monogamy is the standard, though, and that it is much more acceptable to be though of as unfaithful than to tell people that you're actually polyamorous or in an open relationship. I do agree that it probably wouldn't be helpful to the equality movement of LGBTQ people to not only come out as gay, but then come out as non-monogamous. Just reading the comments of that article prove that, because it seems like people view non-monogamous people as sex-starved promiscuous degenerates who have detached emotionally from sex. It makes me sad, because that's not really the case for me.

I'll be honest, at first, kinda thought I was in it for the sex. I mean, my sex life has improved greatly and I'm thankful for that. But that's not really it. I realized that I truly can't enjoy intimacy without a meaningful emotional connection. That's the part that people are missing when they make comments like "Ah more gay propaganda on the healthiness of sexual promiscuity and detachment of sex from any meaningful emotion." and " But at a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, guests don't congratulate the couple for a life of sexual activity. That's just crazy!" That's just not what polyamory is about for me. I'm not detaching sex from emotion. In fact, I feel more meaning in the sex with my husband now than I did before. Just because we're trying to eliminate jealousy from our lives, doesn't mean that we are devoid of emotion. Also, perhaps at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration, we will celebrate a life full of wonderful relationships and love and our friends will congratulate us on that. I've said it before, it's not just about sex. It isn't not about sex, either. It's not about one specific thing, it's complicated, just like all relationships. Well, perhaps a bit more complicated, but I enjoy that aspect of it too. I like a little drama in my life. Not terribly bad drama, just light intrigue. Polyamory has provided plenty of that.

It just frustrates me, the way the mainstream views the concept of non-monogamy. It's so sensationalized and scandalized. My life is generally pretty tame. I'm not a degenerate, I don't do drugs, I've never had an STD, I have a normal job and am generally an upstanding member of society. But yes, I have multiple partners. And because of the way it is viewed, I can't share one of those partners with parts of my family, my coworkers and some of my friends because of the negative connotations it has.

I don't have a solution, obviously. I'm so new to this. But I wish sometimes that I could just shake people who think that it's such a disastrous lifestyle and tell them how wonderful it can be. Because it's pretty awesome right now.

Mom

Well, you guys, I told my mom. My mom and I are close AND she lives in the apartment next door to us, so while I know a lot of people don't tell their families and parents about being poly, I knew in my heart that I had to. So a combination of frustration about keeping all this secret and a few drinks resulted in me marching right over there last night, sitting my ass down on the couch and coming out to her as poly.

I prefaced it by saying she may not like what she heard, but that I had to tell her something about David and I, and that it wasn't bad news. Then I asked her what she knew about polyamory. What followed was some shock, a lot of curious questions, some giggling and generally ACCEPTANCE. Which I knew would be the case, because she's a cool freaking lady. She talked about jealousy in her own marriage, how she didn't let my dad go off and do things without her, and how that was a big problem. She talked about how happy I've been lately just to have my own friends and busy life. While a little shocked, she didn't honestly seem that surprised. I think she just wanted to make sure that David and I were ok, because she loves him so much. But of course, we're great, and I let her know that things were really good.

I also told her about my new boyfriend, Punk Rock Librarian(tm)*. And yes, I said boyfriend. Sounds weird, right? But I mean, that's the best term we have to use to describe the relationship, and he told me he was referring to me as his girlfriend, so there you have it. I now have a husband and a boyfriend. How very progressive of me. I'm a lucky lady.

She checked him out, said he was cute. Think she was a little blown away when I explained that he was married, that he has another girlfriend, and that his wife has a boyfriend with a wife and a fiance. I'm still a little bit blown away.

But while it's all strange and new to her, she didn't get judgmental or upset and I am very, very happy about that. It's great to have family support, and the support of friends. I just don't want to hide something from everyone that is making my life so happy.

*I need to mention that I keep calling him Punk Rock Librarian because he actually has the same name as my husband, which I, you know, changed for privacy and all that. Maybe I'll call him Dave and call my husband David? It's all a little confusing when I talk about both of them.

Random Thoughts

I think that Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are non-monogamous, mostly from things she has said in articles. I also think they are one of the most adorable couples on the planet, so there's that. DISCUSS.

My husband went back and read all of this blog a few days ago. I said I had been holding back in case he did, he said it didn't seem like I was holding back. I suppose I don't hold back very well. He also said that I had said something about having so much love in my life, or mentioned the word love when it relates to other partners, and it bothered him. I don't think I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about him, but isn't that what polyamory means, many loves? Maybe it's different kinds of love, but I'm sure there will be love. But like I said, it'll never be what we have, because everyone is different. Every relationship has different dynamics. He's my best friend and my partner in life. I try to tell him as much as I can, but it's hard when I'm focusing some attention elsewhere.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed with things to do lately, so last weekend I attempted to recharge by spending a lot of time at home during the day on Saturday and Sunday. I'm still plenty exhausted though and seem to have something going on nearly every day after work again this week. All I want to do is crawl into bed. But I think that also has a lot to do with the fact that my period is about to start, so I'm just emotional, headachy and tired. And I probably need to start cooling it on all the boozing. That seems to be what I do with everyone, grab drinks. Summer is just like that I suppose.

I watched this terrible movie called Fling the other night about open relationships. Seems like every movie is going to demonize the lifestyle, or make it more fucked up and sordid than it really is. Oh, and pretty much no one used protection in it. Everyone I know who is poly is pretty strict about protection and getting tested. We're not just a bunch of sex-crazed degenerates.

I'm interested in checking out the new Showtime Polyamory reality show, though I don't really like most reality tv at all. It looks like it could either be interesting or exploitative. I'm worried it's possibly the latter. Still worth watching I suppose.

I think I'm going to tell my mom about all this. Not sure how she'll react. So far, people try hard to act like it's not a big deal, but it seems like they're a little shocked. Or they really just don't care. I think she could go either way, honestly. Maybe it won't be a big deal. Let's hope.

Last night I went out on a "friend date" with someone I had been talking to on OkCupid. Basically we were talking at the same time that I was talking to the man I'm now dating, and while I don't really feel equipped to try and date anyone else right now (nor do I have much desire to), I thought it would at least be nice to spend some time talking over drinks about being in monogamish/open relationships. And it was quite good. His situation seems different than mine, which was nice to get a different perspective. It's always good to make new friends. I forget that sometimes.

Anyway, through talking to him, and talking about my ex and how closed off he was to the idea of open relationships even though we had a lot of poly friends, I kind of had some epiphanies. Well, honestly, I've been having more and more of them in regards to that relationship as I go through all of this.

My ex is 14 years older than me. I must admit, I have always had a thing for older guys. I like men my own age as well, like my husband, but there's something intriguing about dating someone 10+ years older. I can't quite explain what it is, I just like it. Maybe it's the idea of experience, or the authority they seem to carry. Or maybe I have daddy issues. Who knows.

I started dating my ex when I was 23 years old and was with him for nearly 4 years. A very large chunk of my twenties. At the beginning he seemed interesting and kind of exciting, but that really changed over the course of our relationship. He became increasingly depressed and unmotivated. He really brought me into the goth scene, and with that, the fetish scene, but then quickly became very jealous of me doing these things and spending time with our friends, even if he was there. It was a very strange and obsessive relationship, but not a very sexual one. See, he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, yet didn't really find me very attractive. He very rarely said it outright, though. He mostly acted like he was into me, but never really wanted to have sex. And I was completely obsessed with him for some reason. But because I felt unattractive, I tried breaking things off with him many times, and turns out he was a bit obsessed with me as well. We just kept getting back together. I couldn't say no to him. It was like I was under some sort of spell.

I tried hard to turn myself into something he would want. I was very extreme about my look. I became something I was not, and it never even worked. So, basically I spent a very large chunk of what were supposed to be fun and carefree twenties bound up with a man who wasn't attracted to me, was depressed, codependent, and domineering. It was almost as though he systematically tore me down until I was under his control. I felt ugly and disgusting most of the time, ashamed of my curvy body, ashamed of my sexual desires. I felt guilt whenever I went out to spend time with my friends and spent a lot of time at home with him. But while he wanted me around, he didn't even seem to really like me much.

When I was in my early twenties, I was full of fire and confidence. I mean, yes, I wasn't always 100% confident, but I owned my body and knew I was an awesome person. This man helped shape me into a coward. It has been 5 years since I finally left him, and it has taken me a long time to feel good about myself again. I have really judged my own worth by what others think of me, rather than trying to love myself for who I am. My husband David has really been a good part of it. It took me a long time to trust him, and to believe that he actually wanted to be with me. I still have a lot of moments where I think I'm not good enough, but I'm learning to ignore that voice and to just be myself.

I think there was a time when I would have realized that being poly was right for me back then if it weren't for my ex being so down on it. Mostly because I had a lot of people in my life then who were poly and I found it very interesting. But I think being poly now is also coming from a place of missing out on some years where I could have been out having fun, dating and having sex, when I was just at home feeling terrible about everything.

But the big epiphany moment I had last night was when I realized why I'm having a hard time trusting things with this new relationship. Because I never expect people to actually be attracted to me. I really don't. So even though he tells me that he's really into me, there's a part of me that thinks that can't possibly be true. I think "there are so many other much more beautiful women in the world, why on earth would someone want to spend any time with me?" And that's just fucking stupid. I may not be very thin, but I am a good looking person. But it isn't even really that much about that. I mean, yes, looks count, but also? I'm an awesome person. That's what matters. Connecting with someone on a deeper level than just physical beauty is just how these things progress usually.

I'm so glad I can finally try and accept myself as I am. I am more confident again, a feeling I missed. It's a daily struggle, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't about me, it was about him and his own insecurities. I'm so glad I got away from that and am in a loving marriage with a good man. I feel very lucky.

I never thought I'd be "dating" someone regularly so quickly, but that is indeed what has happened. And boy, is it fun. I don't think I could ever get sick of that nervous, fluttery feeling in my stomach (and other places) and the slightly breathless urgency that comes with a new romance.

I do keep questioning it, though. Like I'm testing him or daring him to not like me. It just seemed to happen so much more effortlessly than dating has in the past, so it's hard to trust it, like something must be off. But that's just silly! Slowly, surely, I'm getting over that feeling and just trying to have as much fun as I can.

Today is our one year wedding anniversary. Honestly never thought we'd be where we're at right now, nor did I think it would be something that has made our relationship better. We agreed the other day that we love each other more now than we ever have, that our marriage feels stronger and we communicate better. I feel like we KNOW each other more now than ever before. There were all these things we never noticed, and now we talk about everything all the time. And I love it.

I love my husband. I know a lot of people won't understand. I'm so glad we're married, I don't regret it at all. I'm glad we're married because he brings out the best in me and is my very best friend. He's my partner in life. And I'm frankly just glad that he is brave, supportive and understanding enough to go through all this with me. It's not easy, but the rewards totally outweigh the risks.

Happy Anniversary.

I'm having a hard time not telling people things. Like, all the time. I want to talk about this new relationship. I want to make lots of jokes about my new lifestyle on Twitter. I WANT TO SAY THINGS, YOU GUYS. I'm not good at keeping things quiet. I've never been able to keep a secret.

Someone told me maybe to think about it like having a secret makes things more exciting. But that's just not how I roll, you guys. I fucking like to tell people what is going on with me. Yeah, sure, it's probably annoying at times, but also I like to think it's part of my charm. I'm all full of TMI.

I thought writing here would help, but like, I think about 5 people max read this. I need more exposure. I CAN'T EVEN PROMOTE MY BLOG. Grr.

So yeah, that's where I'm at today. I'm also sick with a sinus infection and slightly hungover. I want to go to sleep so badly right now it hurts my soul. When I'm tired, I'm even worse at keeping my thoughts to myself. 

Whine whine whine whine. What a fucking baby. WAAAAAH! :)

Cheating Celebrities

After becoming poly, I can't help but think sometimes that this would be a much better lifestyle for a lot of people. Like celebrities for instance? Because THEY BE CHEATIN'.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/25/kristen-stewart-apologizes-cheating-robert-pattinson_n_1702836.html?utm_hp_ref=entertainment&ir=Entertainment

Yeah, I get that it would be an even weirder headline for Kristen Stewart to come out as poly, but at least then it wouldn't be the scandal of the season to sleep with someone else other than your boyfriend. I'm glad I can follow my heart and not have to make apologies or feel guilty after.

Third Date with Punk Rock Librarian(tm)

Was that really just a third date?

It's been about a week now since I met this guy, but so much has gone on with him and with other things in my life that it feels like a whole lot longer. It also feels like we've spent more time together when really, up until last night, we'd only seen each other three times.

Our first date we just went out for drinks, and while it was awkward, it wasn't as awkward as I expected. The best part of the night was when he got up from the other side of the table to sit next to me. It was just so forward and adorable. I like forward. I'm pretty forward with people, and open about what's going on with me, so I enjoy spending time with someone who is like that with me. I don't know, I didn't expect it to click, but then it did.

So, being kind of a spaz, I some how harassed him in to hanging out with me the next night. I already talked about that a little, how weird it is to be looked at, how weird it is to have sex with someone new, especially someone you don't know very well.

After that, David started to have some relatively intense jealousy issues, which I can relate to because I was feeling similarly when he stayed with the woman he is seeing. Just as I had decided that maybe it was best if I met her before they spent more time together, he felt similarly. So a few days ago David and I met new guy and his wife for drinks. I was SUUUUUUUUUUPER nervous all day. Like, sick nervous. But I get that way about smaller things, so it wasn't unexpected and I didn't feel out of control or anything. And it went well! It was slightly awkward at first, but awkward in that way that you'd feel just hanging out with any new people for the first time. We talked about poly issues and just generally bullshitted about things. I liked his wife a lot, which helped me feel less intimidated by her (she's pretty hot). It seemed like he got along with David. And most importantly, it seemed to ease David's mind a lot, to put a face on him.

This is definitely not how these people would normally operate, though. After just two dates and less than a week of knowing someone, it's not necessarily family meet and greet time. But luckily they were cool with it, because that is what David wanted. And I want to make sure I put his feelings first. He's been so understanding and supportive about all of this, considering it was my idea and I'm slightly more into it than he is. He's a wonderful husband and I'm a lucky girl. I want to make sure that he's comfortable with everything that is going on.

So, back to third date. Third date was last night. We met up like we did on our second date, went grocery shopping and he cooked me dinner. We had tons of time to talk with plenty of time for great sex after dinner. I have to admit, the sex is awesome and exciting, but it wouldn't be if it weren't for the fact that I feel like I'm really connecting with someone. See, at first, when David and I started this whole poly/open marriage situation, I really didn't think I could actually date and get involved in a relationship with other people. I thought it would mostly be about making out and maybe having sex and just generally being slutty. And yes, sex is great and important, but it's getting to know someone you really like that makes it so exciting and fun (just like the sex is so amazing with David because of how good we are together as a couple).  I'm really glad I responded to this particular man, and very surprised at how I feel already.

I obviously don't want to get ahead of myself since we've only hung out a few times, but getting too excited is sort of my modus operandi, and I'm all about being myself so I guess I'll just let my heart lead me. That's what's fun for me, so I may as well have as much fun as I can. I have moments where I think that I hope I don't scare him off, but if someone is scared off by me so easily I don't think it's a good match anyway. And he seems game. He seems surprised by all of it, but up for seeing where the ride takes us. And I'm glad.

It's so nice to have so much love in my life. I don't want to be greedy, but it sure does feel amazing.

Insecurity

I have a lot of hangups about sex and my body. I feel less comfortable taking charge and being an active participant in the bedroom. I feel like it's taken a lot of time to feel confident while having sex with my husband, still not liking to make too much eye contact or be looked at for very long. I have a hard enough time making eye contact in day to day life. Once in a yoga workshop I was taking for a few months, we did an exercise where we all held hands and went around in a chain and had to look each person in the class in the eye for about a minute without talking. I felt like I was going to vomit. It was awful.

This new guy, who I call Punk Rock Librarian, really likes to look people in the eye. I could tell right away, that I was being too shifty. But when I can barely look my own husband in the eye when we're having sex, how could I look this total stranger in the eye during our first time meeting?

I hate feeling so insecure that I can't even bear to be looked at. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I try very hard not to come across this way. People think I have confidence, I don't dress conservatively and in fact sometimes dress quite outrageously. I dye my hair crazy colors and get attention drawing tattoos. But these things are all my armor. I wear a ton of makeup. I don't want people to see the real me. I'm afraid that once they do, they won't like me anymore. Sometimes I feel like my outer armor is all I have to offer.

I have to remind myself that I like cool things, do crazy amazing stuff, am pretty sharp and actually quite awesome. But sometimes it's hard to really FEEL that way.

It's weird how quickly you can fall for someone. I was excited to meet this new guy, but I didn't think I'd really end up liking him so quickly. It's hard not to think about the possibilities with someone new. You feel all this energy and lust, it's hard to keep your head and realize this person is still basically a stranger.

I went in full speed on the second date, which was only a day after the first date. And yet seeing him again made me feel that timid, shifty, uncomfortable feeling again. I suppose that's part of that new energy, being unsure. It wouldn't be as exciting if you weren't a little apprehensive and nervous. Every time he touched me it was like an electric current ran right through me. Part of me wanted to run away and hide. But I know now, from a lot of crazy experiences I've had lately, that in order to enjoy life you have to face your fears.

So I went for it. Made it clear that I would definitely have sex with him. And of course, it was slightly awkward and foreign, as it always is the first time you have sex with someone. But it also was amazing and electric and exciting, just like I hoped. (The first time I had sex with someone other than David, it wasn't right. It was exciting and outdoors, but it was almost too weird and awkward and just didn't feel right.)

But man, it was hard to look this guy in the eye. Hard to be naked and let him see me without feeling sick. I hate how I feel so uncomfortable in my body. And then after, my makeup smeared and my hair a mess, I again wanted to run and hide. As if that really mattered after what we had shared, and yet suddenly I thought if he saw me this way, he'd immediately be turned off. But he wasn't. So why am I so weird about it?

I don't want to be this insecure anymore. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. And I also hate how attached I get. I'm just getting to know this person and I act like it's some big thing, when it could just be passing fancy. And it doesn't matter if it is, it's fun for fun's sake. It's all about enjoying it, so why can't I just fucking relax and enjoy it?

So I'm going to force myself to be myself and to not worry about how I'm coming across or what the future holds, because now is the only moment.

"'Life is available only in the present moment.' This is a simple teaching of the Buddha, but very deep. If someone asked you, 'Has the best moment of your life arrived yet?' many of you would probably say that the best moment of your life has not yet come. We all have a tendency to believe that the best moment of our lives has not yet come, but that it will come very soon. But if we continue to live in the same way, waiting for the best moment to arrive, the best moment will never arrive.

You may believe that your happiness is somewhere else, over there, or in the future, but in fact you can touch your happiness right now. You are alive. You can open your eyes, you can see the sunshine, the beautiful color of the sky, the wonderful vegetation, your friends and relatives around you. This is the best moment of your life!"

- Excerpt from A Pebble for Your Pocket by Thich Nhat Hanh

Ah, Dating

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When we first decided to open our marriage, I had my sights on a friend of mine already. Of course, upon actually exploring that when I had the chance, I realized that it wasn't very realistic. He is quite a bit younger than me, single, and interested in finding a monogamous relationship. Of course he is! What was I thinking?

Then there was the guy I met out with friends, who was really more into having sex with me than talking to me or going on dates. And again, he told me that while he likes the sex, he is still looking for something monogamous and doesn't want me to get in his way. Which was fine, I wasn't THAT into him anyway in the sober light of day.

So what I've gathered from all this is that it might be slightly easier to date someone who is already in a committed poly relationship. But how does one find such a person in a big city? I've heard that there are some meet ups, but that they weren't great. Then I remembered that a friend of mine suggested Ok Cupid. I made a profile, but was hesitant to even put up a photo. What if someone I know sees it?! What if someone contacts me? WHAT IF I ACTUALLY HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE?!?! Terrifying.

But I did indeed put up a photo, and slowly put together some words on my profile. People started messaging me. Some of them were crass, some of them were sweet. Some not my type, some totally my type and handsome. And then I worried again. What if they meet me and they think I'm not as cute as my photos? Or what if I'm fatter in real life? Why am I so insecure? What if I'm TOO insecure? Oh god, why am I freaking out? They. Are. Just. People.

So, someone wanted to meet me. A single guy, but one who was open to the whole non-monogamy deal. And I went, and we drank caffeinated beverages for an hour and sized each other up and I think both realized there wasn't any chemistry. We didn't have a lot in common, or much to talk about. It wasn't awful, it just wasn't much of anything. Slightly disappointed, but not deterred, I went home and got back online to talk to some more people. I put up some more photos, and I put more words into my profile. I think the words are pretty important for finding someone who has a lot of things in common with you.

The next day I received a message from a punk rock guy who loves Twin Peaks. I, also, love Twin Peaks. I know, it's just one show, but people who like this show tend to be good people. People I can talk to. Also, he's poly, and has been at it for quite some time. We already had things to talk about, plus he could lend his experience in this lifestyle, which I have sought a lot of lately. We messaged, and then chatted, and then texted and then Facebooked. We even had friends in common. I was probably a little overzealous. He liked all these cool things, liked things that I liked! THINGS TO TALK ABOUT! I love talking about things. All that wrapped up in what came across in photos like a pretty attractive package. I tried to keep myself in check. Would this be the first time I'd meet someone online that I actually clicked with? I mean, I did a ton of internet dating in my early twenties and none of it ever went well. So I had to keep my expectations low. But it was difficult. I am an extremely impatient person, and I was dying to know: WOULD THIS GO WELL?

Well, last night, we went out. And by Jove, it went well! We had drinks, chatted about so many things and kissed a bit. It was very lovely and surprising. And we're already planning to see each other again today, which is a little nutty, but also just so much fun that I can't really seem to care how ridiculous I feel.

David is a little jealous, but I'm trying to be loving and understanding. I want to do whatever I can to make this easy on him. Because I know what it feels like. He spent the night last week with the woman he is seeing, and it killed me to sleep alone. But I managed, and now I feel ok about it. And I think he will too. We just keep telling ourselves that it is making both of us happy, and that can't be a bad thing.

What a freaking weekend.

So, I'll just get right to it. David and I both had sex with other people for the first time this weekend.

My encounter was planned and executed as I had hoped and expected. A hiking date, with "outdoor activities". It was exciting, foreign, pleasurable, exhilarating, strange and new. This isn't an erotica blog, so I'll spare you the gory details. There was a good level of kink, though, I will say that. And I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

On the other hand, David's encounter was completely unexpected. He hasn't really been pursuing much, and has been dealing with a fair amount of new jealousy feelings. We've been sort of working through them. I think he didn't expect me to act so quickly on a lot of things, and so when I did it caught him off guard. Also, he's never been that jealous of a partner, so it was a very new feeling for him.

So because of his feelings, I didn't expect him to go out and find someone this weekend. But that's just what he did. And, well, the whole thing didn't go so well, particularly for me. He wasn't immediately honest with me about what happened, while I've been honest and open the whole time. We had originally agreed that communication was key, but that just didn't happen. Also, I didn't get a text or call about whether or not he was coming home. We don't have a lot of rules, but that is one of them, and it was a rule he made. So I didn't like texting him at 3 am asking if he was coming home. Also, he decided to spend two nights in a row (Friday and Saturday) out with this woman, and while it wasn't a rule before, it certainly is now. I can deal with the jealousy of a new woman, but to have to deal with lies, jealousy and two nights home alone? I can't handle that. I was so upset by the time he came home Sunday morning I could hardly talk. But we did talk, because you have to. And I almost wanted to turn back, to take it all back. But I'm not going to, because while I was upset, I still feel like this is surprisingly bringing us closer.

And it's not all bad. We talked a lot, and really hashed out what went so wrong. He felt guilt, so he lied, even though he shouldn't have. I think that's pretty natural, just like jealousy is. We have new boundaries and rules now, and that makes me feel a lot more secure. We've both stumbled a little and I think that's completely natural. We knew it wouldn't be easy.

Also, it seems to have brought us closer, sexually speaking. I don't know if we both get off on the jealousy, or if we simply missed each other, but prior to all this our sex life was very blah. And now we're exploring new things together as well as apart. It feels really good to be so open, like I'm more open to the love we already have.

First Date

I have my first date with another man on Saturday. We met at an outdoorsy event recently and really hit it off, plus he's cool with me being in an open marriage, so I'm giving it a go. I feel like I'm jumping in a little quickly, like I should back off. I've already inappropriately tried to get with a friend of mine that I have a crush on and now I'm about to go on a date. Or, well, an excursion.

Basically, by "hit it off", I mean we were a little tipsy and there may have been some making out. Also, by "hit it off", I mean we may have already wanted to have sex, but didn't currently have a location to do it in. Now we're off for more outdoor activities that he has planned. He said hiking. And then he said "and other activities". I realize it doesn't sound suggestive, but it totally is. Our texts have been very suggestive from the first one. And I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I haven't had sex with another man in over 5 years other than David. And now I'm going into the woods for exciting adventures with someone I don't know very well. WHAT AM I DOING? (I know this sounds dangerous, but we have a lot of mutual friends and spend a fairly long amount of time together last weekend, so I'm not about to get ax-murdered, just FYI)

But let's get back to how excited I am? Because oh my god, just the thought of it gives me goosebumps. I'm thrilled. So I'm in! I'm all in! Apparently I've been hiding a slightly kinky woman all these years who wants to have sex in the woods.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it.

Newness.

Well, about a month ago my husband David and I had a talk. We didn’t use the words “polyamory” or “negotiated non-monogamy”. We talked open marriage, because after 5 years as monogamous, things had gotten a little quiet in the bedroom and a little rocky in our relationship. We talked open marriage because we agreed that neither one of us wanted to end the solid relationship that we had created, but we both also agreed that jealousy that we thought would be an issue wasn’t for either of us.

We may have bandied about words like “weird” and “gross”, those being things we didn’t want people to think we were. Because when I found out a friend of mine was in an open marriage, those are the things I thought. I judged. I know it wasn’t right, but I did. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I feel comfortable in the fact that while I love my husband, I should be able to love others as well. I don’t feel like a monogamous person, and I certainly don’t want to cheat on my best friend. But I was feeling “the itch” and I knew it wouldn’t be long until I made a mistake.

Every single long term relationship I’ve ever been in has ended with my infidelity. Now, a lot of these relationships were on their way out already, but that was how it always ended, with a bang so to speak. I didn’t want to do that to David because I still love him, and the relationship didn’t feel like it was at an end. But I was antsy. Very antsy.

It isn’t exactly about sex. I mean, yeah, that’s a big part of it, but it’s also just about meeting new people and having new experiences without feeling like it’s wrong to be attracted to someone or get butterflies when you’re looking forward to seeing them. I want to feel that new feeling again. I love my husband, but try as we might, we’ll never feel that brand-new-crazy again. I think that’s something everyone craves.
I’m so glad we talked about it. I feel strong in our marriage and in our decision. I also feel a little crazy. I’ve always been “boy crazy”, ask anyone I know (I mean, you could, if you knew anyone I know). The freedom this is giving me is almost a little too much. I’m too excited to jump at the chance to be with another man. I’m learning I need to slow my roll. David on the other hand is going in slowly and cautiously, intelligently recognizing that there’s no need to jump in immediately. That the idea of it, the openness, is quite enough for him right now. Opportunity will come in its own good time.

The biggest thing that is an issue for me right now is that I can’t talk about it with everyone. I’m kind of an open book when it comes to what is going on with me and how I feel, but I can’t tell everyone that I met a new man and have a date. My family would think it was strange and my coworkers certainly wouldn’t approve. I even have some friends that would frown upon it or think it was a sad thing, like our marriage was ending. So I’ve decided that maybe I should blog about it. Maybe by anonymously sharing these stories with strangers I can get out some of what I need to get out.

I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I don’t really think it should be something to be embarrassed about, but while there are more people like me all the time, the whole of society isn’t really there yet. Plus, what happens in our sex lives is generally private, so it really isn’t exactly anyone’s business. And it’s new, so I don’t need to run out and tell the world. Or, well, I guess that’s what this is. But you don’t know me, not really. So I can say anything.

And I plan to do just that.