Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I never thought I'd be "dating" someone regularly so quickly, but that is indeed what has happened. And boy, is it fun. I don't think I could ever get sick of that nervous, fluttery feeling in my stomach (and other places) and the slightly breathless urgency that comes with a new romance.

I do keep questioning it, though. Like I'm testing him or daring him to not like me. It just seemed to happen so much more effortlessly than dating has in the past, so it's hard to trust it, like something must be off. But that's just silly! Slowly, surely, I'm getting over that feeling and just trying to have as much fun as I can.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Today is our one year wedding anniversary. Honestly never thought we'd be where we're at right now, nor did I think it would be something that has made our relationship better. We agreed the other day that we love each other more now than we ever have, that our marriage feels stronger and we communicate better. I feel like we KNOW each other more now than ever before. There were all these things we never noticed, and now we talk about everything all the time. And I love it.

I love my husband. I know a lot of people won't understand. I'm so glad we're married, I don't regret it at all. I'm glad we're married because he brings out the best in me and is my very best friend. He's my partner in life. And I'm frankly just glad that he is brave, supportive and understanding enough to go through all this with me. It's not easy, but the rewards totally outweigh the risks.

Happy Anniversary.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I'm having a hard time not telling people things. Like, all the time. I want to talk about this new relationship. I want to make lots of jokes about my new lifestyle on Twitter. I WANT TO SAY THINGS, YOU GUYS. I'm not good at keeping things quiet. I've never been able to keep a secret.

Someone told me maybe to think about it like having a secret makes things more exciting. But that's just not how I roll, you guys. I fucking like to tell people what is going on with me. Yeah, sure, it's probably annoying at times, but also I like to think it's part of my charm. I'm all full of TMI.

I thought writing here would help, but like, I think about 5 people max read this. I need more exposure. I CAN'T EVEN PROMOTE MY BLOG. Grr.

So yeah, that's where I'm at today. I'm also sick with a sinus infection and slightly hungover. I want to go to sleep so badly right now it hurts my soul. When I'm tired, I'm even worse at keeping my thoughts to myself. 

Whine whine whine whine. What a fucking baby. WAAAAAH! :)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Cheating Celebrities

After becoming poly, I can't help but think sometimes that this would be a much better lifestyle for a lot of people. Like celebrities for instance? Because THEY BE CHEATIN'.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/25/kristen-stewart-apologizes-cheating-robert-pattinson_n_1702836.html?utm_hp_ref=entertainment&ir=Entertainment

Yeah, I get that it would be an even weirder headline for Kristen Stewart to come out as poly, but at least then it wouldn't be the scandal of the season to sleep with someone else other than your boyfriend. I'm glad I can follow my heart and not have to make apologies or feel guilty after.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Third Date with Punk Rock Librarian(tm)

Was that really just a third date?

It's been about a week now since I met this guy, but so much has gone on with him and with other things in my life that it feels like a whole lot longer. It also feels like we've spent more time together when really, up until last night, we'd only seen each other three times.

Our first date we just went out for drinks, and while it was awkward, it wasn't as awkward as I expected. The best part of the night was when he got up from the other side of the table to sit next to me. It was just so forward and adorable. I like forward. I'm pretty forward with people, and open about what's going on with me, so I enjoy spending time with someone who is like that with me. I don't know, I didn't expect it to click, but then it did.

So, being kind of a spaz, I some how harassed him in to hanging out with me the next night. I already talked about that a little, how weird it is to be looked at, how weird it is to have sex with someone new, especially someone you don't know very well.

After that, David started to have some relatively intense jealousy issues, which I can relate to because I was feeling similarly when he stayed with the woman he is seeing. Just as I had decided that maybe it was best if I met her before they spent more time together, he felt similarly. So a few days ago David and I met new guy and his wife for drinks. I was SUUUUUUUUUUPER nervous all day. Like, sick nervous. But I get that way about smaller things, so it wasn't unexpected and I didn't feel out of control or anything. And it went well! It was slightly awkward at first, but awkward in that way that you'd feel just hanging out with any new people for the first time. We talked about poly issues and just generally bullshitted about things. I liked his wife a lot, which helped me feel less intimidated by her (she's pretty hot). It seemed like he got along with David. And most importantly, it seemed to ease David's mind a lot, to put a face on him.

This is definitely not how these people would normally operate, though. After just two dates and less than a week of knowing someone, it's not necessarily family meet and greet time. But luckily they were cool with it, because that is what David wanted. And I want to make sure I put his feelings first. He's been so understanding and supportive about all of this, considering it was my idea and I'm slightly more into it than he is. He's a wonderful husband and I'm a lucky girl. I want to make sure that he's comfortable with everything that is going on.

So, back to third date. Third date was last night. We met up like we did on our second date, went grocery shopping and he cooked me dinner. We had tons of time to talk with plenty of time for great sex after dinner. I have to admit, the sex is awesome and exciting, but it wouldn't be if it weren't for the fact that I feel like I'm really connecting with someone. See, at first, when David and I started this whole poly/open marriage situation, I really didn't think I could actually date and get involved in a relationship with other people. I thought it would mostly be about making out and maybe having sex and just generally being slutty. And yes, sex is great and important, but it's getting to know someone you really like that makes it so exciting and fun (just like the sex is so amazing with David because of how good we are together as a couple).  I'm really glad I responded to this particular man, and very surprised at how I feel already.

I obviously don't want to get ahead of myself since we've only hung out a few times, but getting too excited is sort of my modus operandi, and I'm all about being myself so I guess I'll just let my heart lead me. That's what's fun for me, so I may as well have as much fun as I can. I have moments where I think that I hope I don't scare him off, but if someone is scared off by me so easily I don't think it's a good match anyway. And he seems game. He seems surprised by all of it, but up for seeing where the ride takes us. And I'm glad.

It's so nice to have so much love in my life. I don't want to be greedy, but it sure does feel amazing.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Insecurity

I have a lot of hangups about sex and my body. I feel less comfortable taking charge and being an active participant in the bedroom. I feel like it's taken a lot of time to feel confident while having sex with my husband, still not liking to make too much eye contact or be looked at for very long. I have a hard enough time making eye contact in day to day life. Once in a yoga workshop I was taking for a few months, we did an exercise where we all held hands and went around in a chain and had to look each person in the class in the eye for about a minute without talking. I felt like I was going to vomit. It was awful.

This new guy, who I call Punk Rock Librarian, really likes to look people in the eye. I could tell right away, that I was being too shifty. But when I can barely look my own husband in the eye when we're having sex, how could I look this total stranger in the eye during our first time meeting?

I hate feeling so insecure that I can't even bear to be looked at. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I try very hard not to come across this way. People think I have confidence, I don't dress conservatively and in fact sometimes dress quite outrageously. I dye my hair crazy colors and get attention drawing tattoos. But these things are all my armor. I wear a ton of makeup. I don't want people to see the real me. I'm afraid that once they do, they won't like me anymore. Sometimes I feel like my outer armor is all I have to offer.

I have to remind myself that I like cool things, do crazy amazing stuff, am pretty sharp and actually quite awesome. But sometimes it's hard to really FEEL that way.

It's weird how quickly you can fall for someone. I was excited to meet this new guy, but I didn't think I'd really end up liking him so quickly. It's hard not to think about the possibilities with someone new. You feel all this energy and lust, it's hard to keep your head and realize this person is still basically a stranger.

I went in full speed on the second date, which was only a day after the first date. And yet seeing him again made me feel that timid, shifty, uncomfortable feeling again. I suppose that's part of that new energy, being unsure. It wouldn't be as exciting if you weren't a little apprehensive and nervous. Every time he touched me it was like an electric current ran right through me. Part of me wanted to run away and hide. But I know now, from a lot of crazy experiences I've had lately, that in order to enjoy life you have to face your fears.

So I went for it. Made it clear that I would definitely have sex with him. And of course, it was slightly awkward and foreign, as it always is the first time you have sex with someone. But it also was amazing and electric and exciting, just like I hoped. (The first time I had sex with someone other than David, it wasn't right. It was exciting and outdoors, but it was almost too weird and awkward and just didn't feel right.)

But man, it was hard to look this guy in the eye. Hard to be naked and let him see me without feeling sick. I hate how I feel so uncomfortable in my body. And then after, my makeup smeared and my hair a mess, I again wanted to run and hide. As if that really mattered after what we had shared, and yet suddenly I thought if he saw me this way, he'd immediately be turned off. But he wasn't. So why am I so weird about it?

I don't want to be this insecure anymore. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. And I also hate how attached I get. I'm just getting to know this person and I act like it's some big thing, when it could just be passing fancy. And it doesn't matter if it is, it's fun for fun's sake. It's all about enjoying it, so why can't I just fucking relax and enjoy it?

So I'm going to force myself to be myself and to not worry about how I'm coming across or what the future holds, because now is the only moment.

"'Life is available only in the present moment.' This is a simple teaching of the Buddha, but very deep. If someone asked you, 'Has the best moment of your life arrived yet?' many of you would probably say that the best moment of your life has not yet come. We all have a tendency to believe that the best moment of our lives has not yet come, but that it will come very soon. But if we continue to live in the same way, waiting for the best moment to arrive, the best moment will never arrive.

You may believe that your happiness is somewhere else, over there, or in the future, but in fact you can touch your happiness right now. You are alive. You can open your eyes, you can see the sunshine, the beautiful color of the sky, the wonderful vegetation, your friends and relatives around you. This is the best moment of your life!"

- Excerpt from A Pebble for Your Pocket by Thich Nhat Hanh



Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Ah, Dating

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When we first decided to open our marriage, I had my sights on a friend of mine already. Of course, upon actually exploring that when I had the chance, I realized that it wasn't very realistic. He is quite a bit younger than me, single, and interested in finding a monogamous relationship. Of course he is! What was I thinking?

Then there was the guy I met out with friends, who was really more into having sex with me than talking to me or going on dates. And again, he told me that while he likes the sex, he is still looking for something monogamous and doesn't want me to get in his way. Which was fine, I wasn't THAT into him anyway in the sober light of day.

So what I've gathered from all this is that it might be slightly easier to date someone who is already in a committed poly relationship. But how does one find such a person in a big city? I've heard that there are some meet ups, but that they weren't great. Then I remembered that a friend of mine suggested Ok Cupid. I made a profile, but was hesitant to even put up a photo. What if someone I know sees it?! What if someone contacts me? WHAT IF I ACTUALLY HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE?!?! Terrifying.

But I did indeed put up a photo, and slowly put together some words on my profile. People started messaging me. Some of them were crass, some of them were sweet. Some not my type, some totally my type and handsome. And then I worried again. What if they meet me and they think I'm not as cute as my photos? Or what if I'm fatter in real life? Why am I so insecure? What if I'm TOO insecure? Oh god, why am I freaking out? They. Are. Just. People.

So, someone wanted to meet me. A single guy, but one who was open to the whole non-monogamy deal. And I went, and we drank caffeinated beverages for an hour and sized each other up and I think both realized there wasn't any chemistry. We didn't have a lot in common, or much to talk about. It wasn't awful, it just wasn't much of anything. Slightly disappointed, but not deterred, I went home and got back online to talk to some more people. I put up some more photos, and I put more words into my profile. I think the words are pretty important for finding someone who has a lot of things in common with you.

The next day I received a message from a punk rock guy who loves Twin Peaks. I, also, love Twin Peaks. I know, it's just one show, but people who like this show tend to be good people. People I can talk to. Also, he's poly, and has been at it for quite some time. We already had things to talk about, plus he could lend his experience in this lifestyle, which I have sought a lot of lately. We messaged, and then chatted, and then texted and then Facebooked. We even had friends in common. I was probably a little overzealous. He liked all these cool things, liked things that I liked! THINGS TO TALK ABOUT! I love talking about things. All that wrapped up in what came across in photos like a pretty attractive package. I tried to keep myself in check. Would this be the first time I'd meet someone online that I actually clicked with? I mean, I did a ton of internet dating in my early twenties and none of it ever went well. So I had to keep my expectations low. But it was difficult. I am an extremely impatient person, and I was dying to know: WOULD THIS GO WELL?

Well, last night, we went out. And by Jove, it went well! We had drinks, chatted about so many things and kissed a bit. It was very lovely and surprising. And we're already planning to see each other again today, which is a little nutty, but also just so much fun that I can't really seem to care how ridiculous I feel.

David is a little jealous, but I'm trying to be loving and understanding. I want to do whatever I can to make this easy on him. Because I know what it feels like. He spent the night last week with the woman he is seeing, and it killed me to sleep alone. But I managed, and now I feel ok about it. And I think he will too. We just keep telling ourselves that it is making both of us happy, and that can't be a bad thing.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What a freaking weekend.

So, I'll just get right to it. David and I both had sex with other people for the first time this weekend.

My encounter was planned and executed as I had hoped and expected. A hiking date, with "outdoor activities". It was exciting, foreign, pleasurable, exhilarating, strange and new. This isn't an erotica blog, so I'll spare you the gory details. There was a good level of kink, though, I will say that. And I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

On the other hand, David's encounter was completely unexpected. He hasn't really been pursuing much, and has been dealing with a fair amount of new jealousy feelings. We've been sort of working through them. I think he didn't expect me to act so quickly on a lot of things, and so when I did it caught him off guard. Also, he's never been that jealous of a partner, so it was a very new feeling for him.

So because of his feelings, I didn't expect him to go out and find someone this weekend. But that's just what he did. And, well, the whole thing didn't go so well, particularly for me. He wasn't immediately honest with me about what happened, while I've been honest and open the whole time. We had originally agreed that communication was key, but that just didn't happen. Also, I didn't get a text or call about whether or not he was coming home. We don't have a lot of rules, but that is one of them, and it was a rule he made. So I didn't like texting him at 3 am asking if he was coming home. Also, he decided to spend two nights in a row (Friday and Saturday) out with this woman, and while it wasn't a rule before, it certainly is now. I can deal with the jealousy of a new woman, but to have to deal with lies, jealousy and two nights home alone? I can't handle that. I was so upset by the time he came home Sunday morning I could hardly talk. But we did talk, because you have to. And I almost wanted to turn back, to take it all back. But I'm not going to, because while I was upset, I still feel like this is surprisingly bringing us closer.

And it's not all bad. We talked a lot, and really hashed out what went so wrong. He felt guilt, so he lied, even though he shouldn't have. I think that's pretty natural, just like jealousy is. We have new boundaries and rules now, and that makes me feel a lot more secure. We've both stumbled a little and I think that's completely natural. We knew it wouldn't be easy.

Also, it seems to have brought us closer, sexually speaking. I don't know if we both get off on the jealousy, or if we simply missed each other, but prior to all this our sex life was very blah. And now we're exploring new things together as well as apart. It feels really good to be so open, like I'm more open to the love we already have.