Well hello

It's been a while. Over 2 months. I've been busy living life rather than posting about it I guess. Back at the end of October I went on a two week trip to Europe for the first time in my life. It was pretty fantastic. I even made a connection with someone at the very end and it was just lovely. A little sad, though, to think I'll most likely never see him again.

Things have been pretty good. My husband seems to have much less jealousy issues with my boyfriend lately. I even went a way a few weeks ago for a night at the boyfriend's cabin, which was very lovely and I think really brought us closer together.

I have been having some of my own personal issues lately, though with everything that's been going on. After my trip, things were great. I really missed my husband during that time, kind of desperately. I missed my boyfriend a lot as well, though it wasn't quite the same as missing the person you live with. Being away from my husband was just so much harder than I had anticipated. Then, when I got back, I started being more active on OK Cupid again (where I met my boyfriend). I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my husband was starting to go out on new dates and my boyfriend had some interest, I was feeling like I needed to do something to distract myself from some jealousy. Probably not the best motivation.

I connected with someone, Greg, had some back and for like you do, and went out. I didn't expect much, honestly. But I did like him and he seemed to like me. He put the moves on, we made out. He said nice things like "let's get together again soon" and talked about how he really wanted to go out again. And then came the radio silence. I most likely should have just taken that hint and gone on my merry way, but I was so confused. So I texted and he waited a while to get back to me, but he did. He said that yes, let's get together soon. Then nothing again for a week. I had written him off. And then he texted again saying how about next week? I suggested a Wednesday I had free, and he confirmed.  Then, again, absolutely nothing for a week. In the meantime I had met another person online (Sam) the Sunday before this date that I thought I had with Greg. I wasn't expecting much with the new guy. Sam seemed new to poly and more in need of a person to chat with about things than an actual date with someone. But then, to my complete surprise, I totally hit it off with him too. And Sam just seems like a total romantic, someone I can really enjoy spending quality time with. We could talk for hours, it was really nice. But I had this busy full week and even though I wanted to see Sam again, there just wasn't any time. Especially because of my scheduled date with Greg. But I hadn't even heard from him. Everyone told me to just leave it alone and expect that I had been blown off, but I had to at least say something. So on Tuesday, I texted and asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he basically said, no, too busy. Well, then, fine. I'm done. Deleted from my phone. If he's not interested, there's plenty who are. And instead, invited Sam out for drinks and it was absolutely a lovely time.

That was a few weeks ago. Last week I was overbooked and had lots of scheduling conflicts so I only went out with boyfriend and spent quality time with husband. Then, last Thursday, both of them were out on dates at the same time and I ended up hanging out at home on my own. Well, turns out, that's a whole pile of jealousy waiting to happen. Then, later that night and the next day, found out both of them slept with their dates. Now, this wasn't a huge surprise or anything, it's all part of it. It's just, both of them sleeping with new people for the first time on the same night while I sat at home stewing, well, it hit me harder than I expected it to. I could barely keep it together the next day, then went to a party and self medicated by overindulging in wine. I was so sick on Saturday. Yuck.

Anyways, I ended up having a really lovely date with Sam on Sunday and went ended up having sex. I'll be honest, this had been part of the plan. I flirted not so subtly about it leading up to the date via text. And it was really lovely. Not even very awkward like first time sex usually is. I enjoyed myself and felt like he did too. Received some nice text messages to make sure I got home ok after, letting me know he had a lovely time and everything. When we were out on Sunday, we had kind of talked about a few different things going on the following weekend and whether or not he would want to come to a Christmas party I'm going to. There were some scheduling conflicts and I wanted to check in with my husband, so last night I texted my end of what was going on. And then, nothing. No response like I had been used to getting when I texted. Not this morning either. Just...silence. Now, I know I'm impatient, but usually he texts back right away. And because of all the bullshit that happened with Greg, I'm ultra paranoid. Because I'm pretty sure Sam was into it, and into seeing me again, and had a great time. Mostly because he said it. But Greg said things like that too. And I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't understand how guys work, or just people in the world lie. And then I feel sad and slightly panicky, mostly because I was excited about the prospect of spending some more time with Sam. I just like him, you know? He's a very interesting man who I enjoy spending time with. I realize it's not the end of the world, that I have plenty of love in my life, but it just feels weird to think that perhaps something is amiss.

Or, you know, he just hasn't had a minute to figure out his schedule this weekend and will respond later. Who knows. I tend to make a bigger deal out of things than I need to.

Moral of the story: I have a lot of feelings. Heh.

Random Thoughts

I think that Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are non-monogamous, mostly from things she has said in articles. I also think they are one of the most adorable couples on the planet, so there's that. DISCUSS.

My husband went back and read all of this blog a few days ago. I said I had been holding back in case he did, he said it didn't seem like I was holding back. I suppose I don't hold back very well. He also said that I had said something about having so much love in my life, or mentioned the word love when it relates to other partners, and it bothered him. I don't think I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about him, but isn't that what polyamory means, many loves? Maybe it's different kinds of love, but I'm sure there will be love. But like I said, it'll never be what we have, because everyone is different. Every relationship has different dynamics. He's my best friend and my partner in life. I try to tell him as much as I can, but it's hard when I'm focusing some attention elsewhere.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed with things to do lately, so last weekend I attempted to recharge by spending a lot of time at home during the day on Saturday and Sunday. I'm still plenty exhausted though and seem to have something going on nearly every day after work again this week. All I want to do is crawl into bed. But I think that also has a lot to do with the fact that my period is about to start, so I'm just emotional, headachy and tired. And I probably need to start cooling it on all the boozing. That seems to be what I do with everyone, grab drinks. Summer is just like that I suppose.

I watched this terrible movie called Fling the other night about open relationships. Seems like every movie is going to demonize the lifestyle, or make it more fucked up and sordid than it really is. Oh, and pretty much no one used protection in it. Everyone I know who is poly is pretty strict about protection and getting tested. We're not just a bunch of sex-crazed degenerates.

I'm interested in checking out the new Showtime Polyamory reality show, though I don't really like most reality tv at all. It looks like it could either be interesting or exploitative. I'm worried it's possibly the latter. Still worth watching I suppose.

I think I'm going to tell my mom about all this. Not sure how she'll react. So far, people try hard to act like it's not a big deal, but it seems like they're a little shocked. Or they really just don't care. I think she could go either way, honestly. Maybe it won't be a big deal. Let's hope.

I never thought I'd be "dating" someone regularly so quickly, but that is indeed what has happened. And boy, is it fun. I don't think I could ever get sick of that nervous, fluttery feeling in my stomach (and other places) and the slightly breathless urgency that comes with a new romance.

I do keep questioning it, though. Like I'm testing him or daring him to not like me. It just seemed to happen so much more effortlessly than dating has in the past, so it's hard to trust it, like something must be off. But that's just silly! Slowly, surely, I'm getting over that feeling and just trying to have as much fun as I can.

Third Date with Punk Rock Librarian(tm)

Was that really just a third date?

It's been about a week now since I met this guy, but so much has gone on with him and with other things in my life that it feels like a whole lot longer. It also feels like we've spent more time together when really, up until last night, we'd only seen each other three times.

Our first date we just went out for drinks, and while it was awkward, it wasn't as awkward as I expected. The best part of the night was when he got up from the other side of the table to sit next to me. It was just so forward and adorable. I like forward. I'm pretty forward with people, and open about what's going on with me, so I enjoy spending time with someone who is like that with me. I don't know, I didn't expect it to click, but then it did.

So, being kind of a spaz, I some how harassed him in to hanging out with me the next night. I already talked about that a little, how weird it is to be looked at, how weird it is to have sex with someone new, especially someone you don't know very well.

After that, David started to have some relatively intense jealousy issues, which I can relate to because I was feeling similarly when he stayed with the woman he is seeing. Just as I had decided that maybe it was best if I met her before they spent more time together, he felt similarly. So a few days ago David and I met new guy and his wife for drinks. I was SUUUUUUUUUUPER nervous all day. Like, sick nervous. But I get that way about smaller things, so it wasn't unexpected and I didn't feel out of control or anything. And it went well! It was slightly awkward at first, but awkward in that way that you'd feel just hanging out with any new people for the first time. We talked about poly issues and just generally bullshitted about things. I liked his wife a lot, which helped me feel less intimidated by her (she's pretty hot). It seemed like he got along with David. And most importantly, it seemed to ease David's mind a lot, to put a face on him.

This is definitely not how these people would normally operate, though. After just two dates and less than a week of knowing someone, it's not necessarily family meet and greet time. But luckily they were cool with it, because that is what David wanted. And I want to make sure I put his feelings first. He's been so understanding and supportive about all of this, considering it was my idea and I'm slightly more into it than he is. He's a wonderful husband and I'm a lucky girl. I want to make sure that he's comfortable with everything that is going on.

So, back to third date. Third date was last night. We met up like we did on our second date, went grocery shopping and he cooked me dinner. We had tons of time to talk with plenty of time for great sex after dinner. I have to admit, the sex is awesome and exciting, but it wouldn't be if it weren't for the fact that I feel like I'm really connecting with someone. See, at first, when David and I started this whole poly/open marriage situation, I really didn't think I could actually date and get involved in a relationship with other people. I thought it would mostly be about making out and maybe having sex and just generally being slutty. And yes, sex is great and important, but it's getting to know someone you really like that makes it so exciting and fun (just like the sex is so amazing with David because of how good we are together as a couple).  I'm really glad I responded to this particular man, and very surprised at how I feel already.

I obviously don't want to get ahead of myself since we've only hung out a few times, but getting too excited is sort of my modus operandi, and I'm all about being myself so I guess I'll just let my heart lead me. That's what's fun for me, so I may as well have as much fun as I can. I have moments where I think that I hope I don't scare him off, but if someone is scared off by me so easily I don't think it's a good match anyway. And he seems game. He seems surprised by all of it, but up for seeing where the ride takes us. And I'm glad.

It's so nice to have so much love in my life. I don't want to be greedy, but it sure does feel amazing.

Insecurity

I have a lot of hangups about sex and my body. I feel less comfortable taking charge and being an active participant in the bedroom. I feel like it's taken a lot of time to feel confident while having sex with my husband, still not liking to make too much eye contact or be looked at for very long. I have a hard enough time making eye contact in day to day life. Once in a yoga workshop I was taking for a few months, we did an exercise where we all held hands and went around in a chain and had to look each person in the class in the eye for about a minute without talking. I felt like I was going to vomit. It was awful.

This new guy, who I call Punk Rock Librarian, really likes to look people in the eye. I could tell right away, that I was being too shifty. But when I can barely look my own husband in the eye when we're having sex, how could I look this total stranger in the eye during our first time meeting?

I hate feeling so insecure that I can't even bear to be looked at. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I try very hard not to come across this way. People think I have confidence, I don't dress conservatively and in fact sometimes dress quite outrageously. I dye my hair crazy colors and get attention drawing tattoos. But these things are all my armor. I wear a ton of makeup. I don't want people to see the real me. I'm afraid that once they do, they won't like me anymore. Sometimes I feel like my outer armor is all I have to offer.

I have to remind myself that I like cool things, do crazy amazing stuff, am pretty sharp and actually quite awesome. But sometimes it's hard to really FEEL that way.

It's weird how quickly you can fall for someone. I was excited to meet this new guy, but I didn't think I'd really end up liking him so quickly. It's hard not to think about the possibilities with someone new. You feel all this energy and lust, it's hard to keep your head and realize this person is still basically a stranger.

I went in full speed on the second date, which was only a day after the first date. And yet seeing him again made me feel that timid, shifty, uncomfortable feeling again. I suppose that's part of that new energy, being unsure. It wouldn't be as exciting if you weren't a little apprehensive and nervous. Every time he touched me it was like an electric current ran right through me. Part of me wanted to run away and hide. But I know now, from a lot of crazy experiences I've had lately, that in order to enjoy life you have to face your fears.

So I went for it. Made it clear that I would definitely have sex with him. And of course, it was slightly awkward and foreign, as it always is the first time you have sex with someone. But it also was amazing and electric and exciting, just like I hoped. (The first time I had sex with someone other than David, it wasn't right. It was exciting and outdoors, but it was almost too weird and awkward and just didn't feel right.)

But man, it was hard to look this guy in the eye. Hard to be naked and let him see me without feeling sick. I hate how I feel so uncomfortable in my body. And then after, my makeup smeared and my hair a mess, I again wanted to run and hide. As if that really mattered after what we had shared, and yet suddenly I thought if he saw me this way, he'd immediately be turned off. But he wasn't. So why am I so weird about it?

I don't want to be this insecure anymore. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. And I also hate how attached I get. I'm just getting to know this person and I act like it's some big thing, when it could just be passing fancy. And it doesn't matter if it is, it's fun for fun's sake. It's all about enjoying it, so why can't I just fucking relax and enjoy it?

So I'm going to force myself to be myself and to not worry about how I'm coming across or what the future holds, because now is the only moment.

"'Life is available only in the present moment.' This is a simple teaching of the Buddha, but very deep. If someone asked you, 'Has the best moment of your life arrived yet?' many of you would probably say that the best moment of your life has not yet come. We all have a tendency to believe that the best moment of our lives has not yet come, but that it will come very soon. But if we continue to live in the same way, waiting for the best moment to arrive, the best moment will never arrive.

You may believe that your happiness is somewhere else, over there, or in the future, but in fact you can touch your happiness right now. You are alive. You can open your eyes, you can see the sunshine, the beautiful color of the sky, the wonderful vegetation, your friends and relatives around you. This is the best moment of your life!"

- Excerpt from A Pebble for Your Pocket by Thich Nhat Hanh

What a freaking weekend.

So, I'll just get right to it. David and I both had sex with other people for the first time this weekend.

My encounter was planned and executed as I had hoped and expected. A hiking date, with "outdoor activities". It was exciting, foreign, pleasurable, exhilarating, strange and new. This isn't an erotica blog, so I'll spare you the gory details. There was a good level of kink, though, I will say that. And I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

On the other hand, David's encounter was completely unexpected. He hasn't really been pursuing much, and has been dealing with a fair amount of new jealousy feelings. We've been sort of working through them. I think he didn't expect me to act so quickly on a lot of things, and so when I did it caught him off guard. Also, he's never been that jealous of a partner, so it was a very new feeling for him.

So because of his feelings, I didn't expect him to go out and find someone this weekend. But that's just what he did. And, well, the whole thing didn't go so well, particularly for me. He wasn't immediately honest with me about what happened, while I've been honest and open the whole time. We had originally agreed that communication was key, but that just didn't happen. Also, I didn't get a text or call about whether or not he was coming home. We don't have a lot of rules, but that is one of them, and it was a rule he made. So I didn't like texting him at 3 am asking if he was coming home. Also, he decided to spend two nights in a row (Friday and Saturday) out with this woman, and while it wasn't a rule before, it certainly is now. I can deal with the jealousy of a new woman, but to have to deal with lies, jealousy and two nights home alone? I can't handle that. I was so upset by the time he came home Sunday morning I could hardly talk. But we did talk, because you have to. And I almost wanted to turn back, to take it all back. But I'm not going to, because while I was upset, I still feel like this is surprisingly bringing us closer.

And it's not all bad. We talked a lot, and really hashed out what went so wrong. He felt guilt, so he lied, even though he shouldn't have. I think that's pretty natural, just like jealousy is. We have new boundaries and rules now, and that makes me feel a lot more secure. We've both stumbled a little and I think that's completely natural. We knew it wouldn't be easy.

Also, it seems to have brought us closer, sexually speaking. I don't know if we both get off on the jealousy, or if we simply missed each other, but prior to all this our sex life was very blah. And now we're exploring new things together as well as apart. It feels really good to be so open, like I'm more open to the love we already have.

First Date

I have my first date with another man on Saturday. We met at an outdoorsy event recently and really hit it off, plus he's cool with me being in an open marriage, so I'm giving it a go. I feel like I'm jumping in a little quickly, like I should back off. I've already inappropriately tried to get with a friend of mine that I have a crush on and now I'm about to go on a date. Or, well, an excursion.

Basically, by "hit it off", I mean we were a little tipsy and there may have been some making out. Also, by "hit it off", I mean we may have already wanted to have sex, but didn't currently have a location to do it in. Now we're off for more outdoor activities that he has planned. He said hiking. And then he said "and other activities". I realize it doesn't sound suggestive, but it totally is. Our texts have been very suggestive from the first one. And I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I haven't had sex with another man in over 5 years other than David. And now I'm going into the woods for exciting adventures with someone I don't know very well. WHAT AM I DOING? (I know this sounds dangerous, but we have a lot of mutual friends and spend a fairly long amount of time together last weekend, so I'm not about to get ax-murdered, just FYI)

But let's get back to how excited I am? Because oh my god, just the thought of it gives me goosebumps. I'm thrilled. So I'm in! I'm all in! Apparently I've been hiding a slightly kinky woman all these years who wants to have sex in the woods.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it.

Newness.

Well, about a month ago my husband David and I had a talk. We didn’t use the words “polyamory” or “negotiated non-monogamy”. We talked open marriage, because after 5 years as monogamous, things had gotten a little quiet in the bedroom and a little rocky in our relationship. We talked open marriage because we agreed that neither one of us wanted to end the solid relationship that we had created, but we both also agreed that jealousy that we thought would be an issue wasn’t for either of us.

We may have bandied about words like “weird” and “gross”, those being things we didn’t want people to think we were. Because when I found out a friend of mine was in an open marriage, those are the things I thought. I judged. I know it wasn’t right, but I did. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I feel comfortable in the fact that while I love my husband, I should be able to love others as well. I don’t feel like a monogamous person, and I certainly don’t want to cheat on my best friend. But I was feeling “the itch” and I knew it wouldn’t be long until I made a mistake.

Every single long term relationship I’ve ever been in has ended with my infidelity. Now, a lot of these relationships were on their way out already, but that was how it always ended, with a bang so to speak. I didn’t want to do that to David because I still love him, and the relationship didn’t feel like it was at an end. But I was antsy. Very antsy.

It isn’t exactly about sex. I mean, yeah, that’s a big part of it, but it’s also just about meeting new people and having new experiences without feeling like it’s wrong to be attracted to someone or get butterflies when you’re looking forward to seeing them. I want to feel that new feeling again. I love my husband, but try as we might, we’ll never feel that brand-new-crazy again. I think that’s something everyone craves.
I’m so glad we talked about it. I feel strong in our marriage and in our decision. I also feel a little crazy. I’ve always been “boy crazy”, ask anyone I know (I mean, you could, if you knew anyone I know). The freedom this is giving me is almost a little too much. I’m too excited to jump at the chance to be with another man. I’m learning I need to slow my roll. David on the other hand is going in slowly and cautiously, intelligently recognizing that there’s no need to jump in immediately. That the idea of it, the openness, is quite enough for him right now. Opportunity will come in its own good time.

The biggest thing that is an issue for me right now is that I can’t talk about it with everyone. I’m kind of an open book when it comes to what is going on with me and how I feel, but I can’t tell everyone that I met a new man and have a date. My family would think it was strange and my coworkers certainly wouldn’t approve. I even have some friends that would frown upon it or think it was a sad thing, like our marriage was ending. So I’ve decided that maybe I should blog about it. Maybe by anonymously sharing these stories with strangers I can get out some of what I need to get out.

I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I don’t really think it should be something to be embarrassed about, but while there are more people like me all the time, the whole of society isn’t really there yet. Plus, what happens in our sex lives is generally private, so it really isn’t exactly anyone’s business. And it’s new, so I don’t need to run out and tell the world. Or, well, I guess that’s what this is. But you don’t know me, not really. So I can say anything.

And I plan to do just that.