Newness.

Well, about a month ago my husband David and I had a talk. We didn’t use the words “polyamory” or “negotiated non-monogamy”. We talked open marriage, because after 5 years as monogamous, things had gotten a little quiet in the bedroom and a little rocky in our relationship. We talked open marriage because we agreed that neither one of us wanted to end the solid relationship that we had created, but we both also agreed that jealousy that we thought would be an issue wasn’t for either of us.

We may have bandied about words like “weird” and “gross”, those being things we didn’t want people to think we were. Because when I found out a friend of mine was in an open marriage, those are the things I thought. I judged. I know it wasn’t right, but I did. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I feel comfortable in the fact that while I love my husband, I should be able to love others as well. I don’t feel like a monogamous person, and I certainly don’t want to cheat on my best friend. But I was feeling “the itch” and I knew it wouldn’t be long until I made a mistake.

Every single long term relationship I’ve ever been in has ended with my infidelity. Now, a lot of these relationships were on their way out already, but that was how it always ended, with a bang so to speak. I didn’t want to do that to David because I still love him, and the relationship didn’t feel like it was at an end. But I was antsy. Very antsy.

It isn’t exactly about sex. I mean, yeah, that’s a big part of it, but it’s also just about meeting new people and having new experiences without feeling like it’s wrong to be attracted to someone or get butterflies when you’re looking forward to seeing them. I want to feel that new feeling again. I love my husband, but try as we might, we’ll never feel that brand-new-crazy again. I think that’s something everyone craves.
I’m so glad we talked about it. I feel strong in our marriage and in our decision. I also feel a little crazy. I’ve always been “boy crazy”, ask anyone I know (I mean, you could, if you knew anyone I know). The freedom this is giving me is almost a little too much. I’m too excited to jump at the chance to be with another man. I’m learning I need to slow my roll. David on the other hand is going in slowly and cautiously, intelligently recognizing that there’s no need to jump in immediately. That the idea of it, the openness, is quite enough for him right now. Opportunity will come in its own good time.

The biggest thing that is an issue for me right now is that I can’t talk about it with everyone. I’m kind of an open book when it comes to what is going on with me and how I feel, but I can’t tell everyone that I met a new man and have a date. My family would think it was strange and my coworkers certainly wouldn’t approve. I even have some friends that would frown upon it or think it was a sad thing, like our marriage was ending. So I’ve decided that maybe I should blog about it. Maybe by anonymously sharing these stories with strangers I can get out some of what I need to get out.

I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I don’t really think it should be something to be embarrassed about, but while there are more people like me all the time, the whole of society isn’t really there yet. Plus, what happens in our sex lives is generally private, so it really isn’t exactly anyone’s business. And it’s new, so I don’t need to run out and tell the world. Or, well, I guess that’s what this is. But you don’t know me, not really. So I can say anything.

And I plan to do just that.