Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Well hello

It's been a while. Over 2 months. I've been busy living life rather than posting about it I guess. Back at the end of October I went on a two week trip to Europe for the first time in my life. It was pretty fantastic. I even made a connection with someone at the very end and it was just lovely. A little sad, though, to think I'll most likely never see him again.

Things have been pretty good. My husband seems to have much less jealousy issues with my boyfriend lately. I even went a way a few weeks ago for a night at the boyfriend's cabin, which was very lovely and I think really brought us closer together.

I have been having some of my own personal issues lately, though with everything that's been going on. After my trip, things were great. I really missed my husband during that time, kind of desperately. I missed my boyfriend a lot as well, though it wasn't quite the same as missing the person you live with. Being away from my husband was just so much harder than I had anticipated. Then, when I got back, I started being more active on OK Cupid again (where I met my boyfriend). I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my husband was starting to go out on new dates and my boyfriend had some interest, I was feeling like I needed to do something to distract myself from some jealousy. Probably not the best motivation.

I connected with someone, Greg, had some back and for like you do, and went out. I didn't expect much, honestly. But I did like him and he seemed to like me. He put the moves on, we made out. He said nice things like "let's get together again soon" and talked about how he really wanted to go out again. And then came the radio silence. I most likely should have just taken that hint and gone on my merry way, but I was so confused. So I texted and he waited a while to get back to me, but he did. He said that yes, let's get together soon. Then nothing again for a week. I had written him off. And then he texted again saying how about next week? I suggested a Wednesday I had free, and he confirmed.  Then, again, absolutely nothing for a week. In the meantime I had met another person online (Sam) the Sunday before this date that I thought I had with Greg. I wasn't expecting much with the new guy. Sam seemed new to poly and more in need of a person to chat with about things than an actual date with someone. But then, to my complete surprise, I totally hit it off with him too. And Sam just seems like a total romantic, someone I can really enjoy spending quality time with. We could talk for hours, it was really nice. But I had this busy full week and even though I wanted to see Sam again, there just wasn't any time. Especially because of my scheduled date with Greg. But I hadn't even heard from him. Everyone told me to just leave it alone and expect that I had been blown off, but I had to at least say something. So on Tuesday, I texted and asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he basically said, no, too busy. Well, then, fine. I'm done. Deleted from my phone. If he's not interested, there's plenty who are. And instead, invited Sam out for drinks and it was absolutely a lovely time.

That was a few weeks ago. Last week I was overbooked and had lots of scheduling conflicts so I only went out with boyfriend and spent quality time with husband. Then, last Thursday, both of them were out on dates at the same time and I ended up hanging out at home on my own. Well, turns out, that's a whole pile of jealousy waiting to happen. Then, later that night and the next day, found out both of them slept with their dates. Now, this wasn't a huge surprise or anything, it's all part of it. It's just, both of them sleeping with new people for the first time on the same night while I sat at home stewing, well, it hit me harder than I expected it to. I could barely keep it together the next day, then went to a party and self medicated by overindulging in wine. I was so sick on Saturday. Yuck.

Anyways, I ended up having a really lovely date with Sam on Sunday and went ended up having sex. I'll be honest, this had been part of the plan. I flirted not so subtly about it leading up to the date via text. And it was really lovely. Not even very awkward like first time sex usually is. I enjoyed myself and felt like he did too. Received some nice text messages to make sure I got home ok after, letting me know he had a lovely time and everything. When we were out on Sunday, we had kind of talked about a few different things going on the following weekend and whether or not he would want to come to a Christmas party I'm going to. There were some scheduling conflicts and I wanted to check in with my husband, so last night I texted my end of what was going on. And then, nothing. No response like I had been used to getting when I texted. Not this morning either. Just...silence. Now, I know I'm impatient, but usually he texts back right away. And because of all the bullshit that happened with Greg, I'm ultra paranoid. Because I'm pretty sure Sam was into it, and into seeing me again, and had a great time. Mostly because he said it. But Greg said things like that too. And I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't understand how guys work, or just people in the world lie. And then I feel sad and slightly panicky, mostly because I was excited about the prospect of spending some more time with Sam. I just like him, you know? He's a very interesting man who I enjoy spending time with. I realize it's not the end of the world, that I have plenty of love in my life, but it just feels weird to think that perhaps something is amiss.

Or, you know, he just hasn't had a minute to figure out his schedule this weekend and will respond later. Who knows. I tend to make a bigger deal out of things than I need to.

Moral of the story: I have a lot of feelings. Heh.

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