Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Yeah, I was just overreacting about Sam. I'll be seeing him next week. I don't know why I get all worked up about such things, it's not as though I'm looking for a regular commitment, really. I just hate the idea that sleeping with a man changes the dynamic of the relationship. I mean, I get that it can shift things a little, but it has always seemed to me that there are a lot of men out there who kind of change after you have sex with them. Like it gives them power over you? Why doesn't it give the woman power? Maybe it does for others, maybe I just need to stop being weak or paranoid or anxious. Or stop all of these things!

Mostly I am having a hard time with knowing who to talk to about things going on in my life. Like, I feel like I can talk to my main partners, but that I kind of hold back because I don't want to cause jealousy. Mostly because I wouldn't want to hear about all these things from them. And then there are my friends. I don't have many very close girlfriends, and the ones I do have it's kind of a weird situation to talk to them about things. They either are just completely bored by my complicated love life and don't want to hear me whine anymore - I get a lot of "don't you have enough already?" or they are kind of weirded out and uncomfortable by our lifestyle and aren't super supportive.Now, I'm not saying my friends aren't supportive, I can just tell that the ones that I'm closest to don't *really* want to hear about it. So I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. I suppose that is what most people do, but I've always been kind of an open book with everyone.

I did get to talk a lot about this with our therapist a few weeks ago, which was nice. And while she understood, she also explained where my friends might be coming from. It's asking a lot of them to hear about this stuff when they aren't necessarily comfortable with it. So what I really need to do is try and make more connections with other poly people. I have a few poly friends, but no one I'm really close to. I'm going to make an effort to try and spend more time with these people.

Tonight husband and I are attending a poly meetup at someone's house. I'm nervous because ACK STRANGERS, but I think it'll be nice to meet people in the "scene" and maybe make a few friends. We'll see.

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