When I got married I thought I had everything figured out. Now I feel like I know nothing, and I can't even tell what I want.

My husband has started showing more interest in having kids. I'm telling you, a year ago, that was all I wanted. But now I feel like maybe he's only doing it because he knows it'll probably put an end to being poly, or at least put it on hold. And I do want to do this, but at the same time it's probably not necessarily a great idea when things are so up in the air and rocky. Having children is a huge life-altering decision. I shouldn't even be talking about it so lightly.

And of course I made the mistake of talking to the boyfriend about it, who, it seems, would run screaming in the other direction if I were to start trying to get pregnant or become pregnant. Which is totally understandable, this is not something he is interested in being involved in. But it still sort of stings. You think something is deep or important or something and then you realize, wow, I barely fucking know this person. It's not about being serious, it's about being light and having fun. Well, maybe I'm not capable of that. What the hell am I thinking?

I'm afraid to stop being selfish. I'm afraid of being an adult, and making serious adult choices. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being a childish baby who has a new toy she doesn't want to give up.