Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Jealousy, Arguments, Therapy and a Light at the End of the Tunnel

Haven't written much here lately. It doesn't help that I know that both husband and boyfriend read this blog. In fact they probably read it more regularly than anyone else. I shot myself in the foot with telling them about it. But I guess otherwise I wouldn't really have any regular readership at all. But I have all these feelings I want to talk about! And I don't want to make anyone feel bad! So I'll reign it in, I suppose.

The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.

I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.

Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.


  1. Maybe you could slow down a little bit? I can tell you are excited about this new piece of your life but it doesn't have to become your whole identity. It sounds like David is interested in the lifestyle and might need some time to think about it and figure out how it might work in your relationship.

    Or maybe you don't even want that? I know you are newlyweds, so maybe this is a way for you to get out of a marriage that you wish you weren't in without having to say it. Or maybe you feel fully accepted by your husband and that makes you subconsciously uncomfortable because it clashes with your inner insecurities and you deep down don't believe you are worthy of love, so you are still seeking that validation elsewhere or need that more constant reassurance of being able to convince others of your worthiness by attracting them as mates.

    I think you need to tell your bf and dh to stop reading your blog so you can let it all out for your readers.

    1. Seriously, if one more person suggests that this is me trying to get out of my marriage or that I don't love my husband, I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE.

  2. "Seriously, if one more person suggests that this is me trying to get out of my marriage or that I don't love my husband, I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE."

    Haha, I feel your pain there! I just stumbled across your blog via twitter, so bear with me as I read about your life and stalk you a bit. :) We have similar stories. Obviously not the same, but similar! Hi! I'm Sarah. I have a husband and a boyfriend, they are actually friends. It's weird sometimes. I want out sometimes. They want out sometimes. Other times we're all confused how this hasn't always been how we are. Sometimes we have to pretend that the other doesn't even remotely exist. It restores some balance. But we had one friend who thought I should just end my marriage since that's what I apparently was doing... ugh! Not a friend anymore. We are MUCH better off without her. I love my husband. Very much. I love my boyfriend. Very much. I feel your pain!

    1. Hi there Sarah! It's nice to hear from other like-minded people. I'm having a hard time with feeling like I can talk to my friends about things. They all either are totally irritated with me talking about all the men in my life or they think my marriage is in trouble and that I'm hurting my husband. It's actually been my biggest challenge lately, not feeling like I have a lot of friends to just talk to about things.

      I feel you, I know what you're saying. I've felt all those things.