Currently marathoning this show. My husband can't stand it, so I'm watching it on my own. It kind of irritates me as well. Lots of "pretty people" who want to be in the spotlight. Like, OF COURSE, Lindsay is a singer with a recording contract that fell through. That's why she wants to be on tv!
I could write many paragraphs all about weird things on this show, but I'll spare you and just share a few of my observations/irritations. I'm being extraordinarily judgmental, I know.
- With "The Triad", I think it's obviously more about how Vanessa and Anthony are into Lindsay and not each other at all. It's like it revolves around her.
- Vanessa irritates the crap out of me. She's SUPER controlling and possessive. Doesn't seem like she's really poly at all, she really just wants to be with Lindsay and to have her all to herself.
- As for the other couples, Jen is obviously super uncomfortable with just about everything that is happening. I feel kind of bad for her, actually. Especially because the rest of them creep me out. I'd hate to be surrounded by them.
- The creepiest? Michael. Ew. SKEEVY. I don't want to look at him anymore.
- This foursome seems to boil down to Kamala and Tahl wanting to be together and the rest of them just kind of hover around for attention.
- Why did they have to make this just a soft core porn show? I don't give a fuck about seeing these people have sex. Oh wait, it's on Showtime. I forgot. Blech.
Now, I'm not saying that MY TYPE of poly is the only type, but watching this makes me realize I don't think I'd really want to do things the way the people on the show do, dating other people as a couple. I like having individual relationship that just happen to be concurrent with my other relationships. Maybe I'll feel differently later, but I like being able to keep things a little separate, even though I do wish we could all be friends and spend more time together socially.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
When I got married I thought I had everything figured out. Now I feel like I know nothing, and I can't even tell what I want.
My husband has started showing more interest in having kids. I'm telling you, a year ago, that was all I wanted. But now I feel like maybe he's only doing it because he knows it'll probably put an end to being poly, or at least put it on hold. And I do want to do this, but at the same time it's probably not necessarily a great idea when things are so up in the air and rocky. Having children is a huge life-altering decision. I shouldn't even be talking about it so lightly.
And of course I made the mistake of talking to the boyfriend about it, who, it seems, would run screaming in the other direction if I were to start trying to get pregnant or become pregnant. Which is totally understandable, this is not something he is interested in being involved in. But it still sort of stings. You think something is deep or important or something and then you realize, wow, I barely fucking know this person. It's not about being serious, it's about being light and having fun. Well, maybe I'm not capable of that. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm afraid to stop being selfish. I'm afraid of being an adult, and making serious adult choices. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being a childish baby who has a new toy she doesn't want to give up.
My husband has started showing more interest in having kids. I'm telling you, a year ago, that was all I wanted. But now I feel like maybe he's only doing it because he knows it'll probably put an end to being poly, or at least put it on hold. And I do want to do this, but at the same time it's probably not necessarily a great idea when things are so up in the air and rocky. Having children is a huge life-altering decision. I shouldn't even be talking about it so lightly.
And of course I made the mistake of talking to the boyfriend about it, who, it seems, would run screaming in the other direction if I were to start trying to get pregnant or become pregnant. Which is totally understandable, this is not something he is interested in being involved in. But it still sort of stings. You think something is deep or important or something and then you realize, wow, I barely fucking know this person. It's not about being serious, it's about being light and having fun. Well, maybe I'm not capable of that. What the hell am I thinking?
I'm afraid to stop being selfish. I'm afraid of being an adult, and making serious adult choices. Most of the time I feel like I'm just being a childish baby who has a new toy she doesn't want to give up.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Dear Anonymous Commenters
I will no longer be accepting anonymous comments because if you want to tell me how I feel when you don't even know me or suggest things that aren't true, you should be required to provide your identity in some way.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Jealousy, Arguments, Therapy and a Light at the End of the Tunnel
Haven't written much here lately. It doesn't help that I know that both husband and boyfriend read this blog. In fact they probably read it more regularly than anyone else. I shot myself in the foot with telling them about it. But I guess otherwise I wouldn't really have any regular readership at all. But I have all these feelings I want to talk about! And I don't want to make anyone feel bad! So I'll reign it in, I suppose.
The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.
I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.
Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.
The past few weeks since I spent the night with my boyfriend have been a little rough. David experienced some pretty big jealousy issues, which is totally understandable. I went crazy the nights he spent with the woman he was seeing a while back. But see, I think he is struggling with whether or not non-monogamy is right for him. He sees the changes in me, how happy it makes me and how much our sex life has improved, and knows that being polyamorous might possibly just be a part of me. So he's come to a point where I think he feels like he either can't be with me because this is what works for me or he has to go along with something he doesn't want to do. Either way, it hurts my heart to think of it this way. I want to stay married. He is my very best friend on the planet and there either has to be a way to make it work, or I can try and go back to the way things were before and start trying to figure out another way to keep that spark alive.
I very seriously hope that it doesn't come down to him leaving or us closing up the marriage, though. But we've been talking so much and it always escalates and turns into an argument. So, with this, we decided that seeing a therapist as a couple might be a good option. I searched online for poly-friendly therapists who do couples counseling, found one that seemed like we might connect with and went to meet her and have an initial consultation yesterday. We both liked her, felt comfortable with her and made our appointment for a full session in a few weeks. I felt great after, like we're finally doing something right by seeking outside assistance. That maybe she'll help us figure out what works best for us, and help us deal with things and talk about things better.
Other than that, we did have a really nice long weekend together full of friends and dancing and karaoke singing. It reminded me why I love David so much to begin with. He is so much fun to spend time with. He dances like a beautiful crazy fool and doesn't care who is watching. He sings karaoke songs with reckless abandon, very rarely singing the same song twice, loving the challenge of something new. When we're out together, I always enjoy myself and I don't feel smothered by him or that I have to focus on him when we're in large groups. I just had such a great time, I didn't want it to end. To bookend the weekend with a positive therapy appointment and a nice dinner was just the perfect way to end such a beautiful weekend. I think we really need to focus on each other like this more often. We may just be able to make everything work.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
When you're polyamorous...
Conversation between my husband David and I via text:
Me: I kinda want spaghetti.
David: I can pick some up.
Me: :)
David: Also: you would date a tranny?
Me: Um. I don't know? Like, male to female? Or what?
David: Well I assume you meant female to male, but maybe I was mistaken.
Me: (realizing I answered a question on OK Cupid saying I would) Oh, did I answer a question? I don't know, I'd consider it. Either way. I'm not completely closed off to the idea.
David: But dating a transsexual sounds more appealing than dating a straight up woman?
Me: Yes.
David: Interesting. Do we have any parmesan?
Me: Yes.
Me: I kinda want spaghetti.
David: I can pick some up.
Me: :)
David: Also: you would date a tranny?
Me: Um. I don't know? Like, male to female? Or what?
David: Well I assume you meant female to male, but maybe I was mistaken.
Me: (realizing I answered a question on OK Cupid saying I would) Oh, did I answer a question? I don't know, I'd consider it. Either way. I'm not completely closed off to the idea.
David: But dating a transsexual sounds more appealing than dating a straight up woman?
Me: Yes.
David: Interesting. Do we have any parmesan?
Me: Yes.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Overwhelmed and Emotional
Last night I went out to this show/event that Punk Rock Librarian was in, and in addition to my husband and his wife being there, I brought my best friend and another friend, PRL's other girlfriend came and his wife's boyfriend and his wife and fiance came. Just typing that makes my brain hurt. I totally had a great time and everyone met and got along just fine, but I drank a little too much and was a bit overwhelmed by all of it and had a mini breakdown at the end of the evening. Poor David got to deal with my meltdown. On the way home I was kind of on the verge of being upset, tearing up a little, but then later at home I kind of let go and gave into the meltdown. I believe the term "crying jag" applies here. I was overwhelmed with emotions I guess.
Let's see, there was jealousy from being around both of PRL's other partners, nervousness at meeting new people, the strange feelings from having both of my partners at the same place and not knowing how to act, the ongoing guilt I feel with David about how I feel like I'm forcing him to share me especially since he doesn't have another partner. All that mixed with too much booze equals a crying mess of mascara. There was part of me that just wanted to give up the whole thing. A really small part, because I'm now very attached to PRL and don't think I could give him up at this point.
And that leads me to I think what my underlying issue is. I feel like things have moved pretty quickly in this new relationship and I wasn't exactly expecting it to happen this way. It seems like it's gotten pretty heavy, at least for me. Because that's just how I tend to be, I get attached quickly and feel things pretty strongly, so I guess I should have known that would happen. But I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of getting hurt, of course, but it's more like I'm afraid of hurting David, especially by falling in love with another man. We talked last night, and he seems fully on board with everything and is totally understanding. He said he expected it, and not to worry. But I have this feeling that it's really affecting him more than he lets on and I just don't want to ruin things. I don't know what I would do without him.
But I suppose there is a part of me that knows I'm good at making things a bigger deal than they actually are. I fully realize that I should just be enjoying things and not over analyzing everything. I just get so in my head about this stuff and get preoccupied by intense emotions and sort of shut down. I guess that's what happened last night. It's all a lot to take.
Let's see, there was jealousy from being around both of PRL's other partners, nervousness at meeting new people, the strange feelings from having both of my partners at the same place and not knowing how to act, the ongoing guilt I feel with David about how I feel like I'm forcing him to share me especially since he doesn't have another partner. All that mixed with too much booze equals a crying mess of mascara. There was part of me that just wanted to give up the whole thing. A really small part, because I'm now very attached to PRL and don't think I could give him up at this point.
And that leads me to I think what my underlying issue is. I feel like things have moved pretty quickly in this new relationship and I wasn't exactly expecting it to happen this way. It seems like it's gotten pretty heavy, at least for me. Because that's just how I tend to be, I get attached quickly and feel things pretty strongly, so I guess I should have known that would happen. But I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of getting hurt, of course, but it's more like I'm afraid of hurting David, especially by falling in love with another man. We talked last night, and he seems fully on board with everything and is totally understanding. He said he expected it, and not to worry. But I have this feeling that it's really affecting him more than he lets on and I just don't want to ruin things. I don't know what I would do without him.
But I suppose there is a part of me that knows I'm good at making things a bigger deal than they actually are. I fully realize that I should just be enjoying things and not over analyzing everything. I just get so in my head about this stuff and get preoccupied by intense emotions and sort of shut down. I guess that's what happened last night. It's all a lot to take.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
This article on The Huffington Post about Anderson Cooper is an interesting take on celebrity infidelity, which I wrote about briefly a few weeks ago. Given my recent lifestyle change, I've started to look at things often similarly to the author of the piece, that perhaps when we see celebrities cheating, maybe it isn't cheating and that they just have an arrangement. I mean, honestly, they spend nearly no time together because of busy schedules in different locations, why would you want to limit yourself by being monogamous? I realize monogamy is the standard, though, and that it is much more acceptable to be though of as unfaithful than to tell people that you're actually polyamorous or in an open relationship. I do agree that it probably wouldn't be helpful to the equality movement of LGBTQ people to not only come out as gay, but then come out as non-monogamous. Just reading the comments of that article prove that, because it seems like people view non-monogamous people as sex-starved promiscuous degenerates who have detached emotionally from sex. It makes me sad, because that's not really the case for me.
I'll be honest, at first, kinda thought I was in it for the sex. I mean, my sex life has improved greatly and I'm thankful for that. But that's not really it. I realized that I truly can't enjoy intimacy without a meaningful emotional connection. That's the part that people are missing when they make comments like "Ah more gay propaganda on the healthiness of sexual promiscuity and detachment of sex from any meaningful emotion." and " But at a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, guests don't congratulate the couple for a life of sexual activity. That's just crazy!" That's just not what polyamory is about for me. I'm not detaching sex from emotion. In fact, I feel more meaning in the sex with my husband now than I did before. Just because we're trying to eliminate jealousy from our lives, doesn't mean that we are devoid of emotion. Also, perhaps at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration, we will celebrate a life full of wonderful relationships and love and our friends will congratulate us on that. I've said it before, it's not just about sex. It isn't not about sex, either. It's not about one specific thing, it's complicated, just like all relationships. Well, perhaps a bit more complicated, but I enjoy that aspect of it too. I like a little drama in my life. Not terribly bad drama, just light intrigue. Polyamory has provided plenty of that.
It just frustrates me, the way the mainstream views the concept of non-monogamy. It's so sensationalized and scandalized. My life is generally pretty tame. I'm not a degenerate, I don't do drugs, I've never had an STD, I have a normal job and am generally an upstanding member of society. But yes, I have multiple partners. And because of the way it is viewed, I can't share one of those partners with parts of my family, my coworkers and some of my friends because of the negative connotations it has.
I don't have a solution, obviously. I'm so new to this. But I wish sometimes that I could just shake people who think that it's such a disastrous lifestyle and tell them how wonderful it can be. Because it's pretty awesome right now.
I'll be honest, at first, kinda thought I was in it for the sex. I mean, my sex life has improved greatly and I'm thankful for that. But that's not really it. I realized that I truly can't enjoy intimacy without a meaningful emotional connection. That's the part that people are missing when they make comments like "Ah more gay propaganda on the healthiness of sexual promiscuity and detachment of sex from any meaningful emotion." and " But at a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, guests don't congratulate the couple for a life of sexual activity. That's just crazy!" That's just not what polyamory is about for me. I'm not detaching sex from emotion. In fact, I feel more meaning in the sex with my husband now than I did before. Just because we're trying to eliminate jealousy from our lives, doesn't mean that we are devoid of emotion. Also, perhaps at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration, we will celebrate a life full of wonderful relationships and love and our friends will congratulate us on that. I've said it before, it's not just about sex. It isn't not about sex, either. It's not about one specific thing, it's complicated, just like all relationships. Well, perhaps a bit more complicated, but I enjoy that aspect of it too. I like a little drama in my life. Not terribly bad drama, just light intrigue. Polyamory has provided plenty of that.
It just frustrates me, the way the mainstream views the concept of non-monogamy. It's so sensationalized and scandalized. My life is generally pretty tame. I'm not a degenerate, I don't do drugs, I've never had an STD, I have a normal job and am generally an upstanding member of society. But yes, I have multiple partners. And because of the way it is viewed, I can't share one of those partners with parts of my family, my coworkers and some of my friends because of the negative connotations it has.
I don't have a solution, obviously. I'm so new to this. But I wish sometimes that I could just shake people who think that it's such a disastrous lifestyle and tell them how wonderful it can be. Because it's pretty awesome right now.
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