When you're polyamorous...

Conversation between my husband David and I via text:

Me: I kinda want spaghetti.

David: I can pick some up.

Me: :)

David: Also: you would date a tranny?

Me: Um. I don't know? Like, male to female? Or what?

David: Well I assume you meant female to male, but maybe I was mistaken.

Me: (realizing I answered a question on OK Cupid saying I would) Oh, did I answer a question? I don't know, I'd consider it. Either way. I'm not completely closed off to the idea.

David: But dating a transsexual sounds more appealing than dating a straight up woman?

Me: Yes.

David: Interesting. Do we have any parmesan?

Me: Yes.

Overwhelmed and Emotional

Last night I went out to this show/event that Punk Rock Librarian was in, and in addition to my husband and his wife being there, I brought my best friend and another friend, PRL's other girlfriend came and his wife's boyfriend and his wife and fiance came. Just typing that makes my brain hurt. I totally had a great time and everyone met and got along just fine, but I drank a little too much and was a bit overwhelmed by all of it and had a mini breakdown at the end of the evening. Poor David got to deal with my meltdown. On the way home I was kind of on the verge of being upset, tearing up a little, but then later at home I kind of let go and gave into the meltdown. I believe the term "crying jag" applies here. I was overwhelmed with emotions I guess.

Let's see, there was jealousy from being around both of PRL's other partners, nervousness at meeting new people, the strange feelings from having both of my partners at the same place and not knowing how to act, the ongoing guilt I feel with David about how I feel like I'm forcing him to share me especially since he doesn't have another partner. All that mixed with too much booze equals a crying mess of mascara. There was part of me that just wanted to give up the whole thing. A really small part, because I'm now very attached to PRL and don't think I could give him up at this point.

And that leads me to I think what my underlying issue is. I feel like things have moved pretty quickly in this new relationship and I wasn't exactly expecting it to happen this way. It seems like it's gotten pretty heavy, at least for me. Because that's just how I tend to be, I get attached quickly and feel things pretty strongly, so I guess I should have known that would happen. But I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of getting hurt, of course, but it's more like I'm afraid of hurting David, especially by falling in love with another man. We talked last night, and he seems fully on board with everything and is totally understanding. He said he expected it, and not to worry. But I have this feeling that it's really affecting him more than he lets on and I just don't want to ruin things. I don't know what I would do without him.

But I suppose there is a part of me that knows I'm good at making things a bigger deal than they actually are. I fully realize that I should just be enjoying things and not over analyzing everything. I just get so in my head about this stuff and get preoccupied by intense emotions and sort of shut down. I guess that's what happened last night. It's all a lot to take.

This article on The Huffington Post about Anderson Cooper is an interesting take on celebrity infidelity, which I wrote about briefly a few weeks ago. Given my recent lifestyle change, I've started to look at things often similarly to the author of the piece, that perhaps when we see celebrities cheating, maybe it isn't cheating and that they just have an arrangement. I mean, honestly, they spend nearly no time together because of busy schedules in different locations, why would you want to limit yourself by being monogamous? I realize monogamy is the standard, though, and that it is much more acceptable to be though of as unfaithful than to tell people that you're actually polyamorous or in an open relationship. I do agree that it probably wouldn't be helpful to the equality movement of LGBTQ people to not only come out as gay, but then come out as non-monogamous. Just reading the comments of that article prove that, because it seems like people view non-monogamous people as sex-starved promiscuous degenerates who have detached emotionally from sex. It makes me sad, because that's not really the case for me.

I'll be honest, at first, kinda thought I was in it for the sex. I mean, my sex life has improved greatly and I'm thankful for that. But that's not really it. I realized that I truly can't enjoy intimacy without a meaningful emotional connection. That's the part that people are missing when they make comments like "Ah more gay propaganda on the healthiness of sexual promiscuity and detachment of sex from any meaningful emotion." and " But at a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, guests don't congratulate the couple for a life of sexual activity. That's just crazy!" That's just not what polyamory is about for me. I'm not detaching sex from emotion. In fact, I feel more meaning in the sex with my husband now than I did before. Just because we're trying to eliminate jealousy from our lives, doesn't mean that we are devoid of emotion. Also, perhaps at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration, we will celebrate a life full of wonderful relationships and love and our friends will congratulate us on that. I've said it before, it's not just about sex. It isn't not about sex, either. It's not about one specific thing, it's complicated, just like all relationships. Well, perhaps a bit more complicated, but I enjoy that aspect of it too. I like a little drama in my life. Not terribly bad drama, just light intrigue. Polyamory has provided plenty of that.

It just frustrates me, the way the mainstream views the concept of non-monogamy. It's so sensationalized and scandalized. My life is generally pretty tame. I'm not a degenerate, I don't do drugs, I've never had an STD, I have a normal job and am generally an upstanding member of society. But yes, I have multiple partners. And because of the way it is viewed, I can't share one of those partners with parts of my family, my coworkers and some of my friends because of the negative connotations it has.

I don't have a solution, obviously. I'm so new to this. But I wish sometimes that I could just shake people who think that it's such a disastrous lifestyle and tell them how wonderful it can be. Because it's pretty awesome right now.

Mom

Well, you guys, I told my mom. My mom and I are close AND she lives in the apartment next door to us, so while I know a lot of people don't tell their families and parents about being poly, I knew in my heart that I had to. So a combination of frustration about keeping all this secret and a few drinks resulted in me marching right over there last night, sitting my ass down on the couch and coming out to her as poly.

I prefaced it by saying she may not like what she heard, but that I had to tell her something about David and I, and that it wasn't bad news. Then I asked her what she knew about polyamory. What followed was some shock, a lot of curious questions, some giggling and generally ACCEPTANCE. Which I knew would be the case, because she's a cool freaking lady. She talked about jealousy in her own marriage, how she didn't let my dad go off and do things without her, and how that was a big problem. She talked about how happy I've been lately just to have my own friends and busy life. While a little shocked, she didn't honestly seem that surprised. I think she just wanted to make sure that David and I were ok, because she loves him so much. But of course, we're great, and I let her know that things were really good.

I also told her about my new boyfriend, Punk Rock Librarian(tm)*. And yes, I said boyfriend. Sounds weird, right? But I mean, that's the best term we have to use to describe the relationship, and he told me he was referring to me as his girlfriend, so there you have it. I now have a husband and a boyfriend. How very progressive of me. I'm a lucky lady.

She checked him out, said he was cute. Think she was a little blown away when I explained that he was married, that he has another girlfriend, and that his wife has a boyfriend with a wife and a fiance. I'm still a little bit blown away.

But while it's all strange and new to her, she didn't get judgmental or upset and I am very, very happy about that. It's great to have family support, and the support of friends. I just don't want to hide something from everyone that is making my life so happy.

*I need to mention that I keep calling him Punk Rock Librarian because he actually has the same name as my husband, which I, you know, changed for privacy and all that. Maybe I'll call him Dave and call my husband David? It's all a little confusing when I talk about both of them.

Random Thoughts

I think that Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are non-monogamous, mostly from things she has said in articles. I also think they are one of the most adorable couples on the planet, so there's that. DISCUSS.

My husband went back and read all of this blog a few days ago. I said I had been holding back in case he did, he said it didn't seem like I was holding back. I suppose I don't hold back very well. He also said that I had said something about having so much love in my life, or mentioned the word love when it relates to other partners, and it bothered him. I don't think I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about him, but isn't that what polyamory means, many loves? Maybe it's different kinds of love, but I'm sure there will be love. But like I said, it'll never be what we have, because everyone is different. Every relationship has different dynamics. He's my best friend and my partner in life. I try to tell him as much as I can, but it's hard when I'm focusing some attention elsewhere.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed with things to do lately, so last weekend I attempted to recharge by spending a lot of time at home during the day on Saturday and Sunday. I'm still plenty exhausted though and seem to have something going on nearly every day after work again this week. All I want to do is crawl into bed. But I think that also has a lot to do with the fact that my period is about to start, so I'm just emotional, headachy and tired. And I probably need to start cooling it on all the boozing. That seems to be what I do with everyone, grab drinks. Summer is just like that I suppose.

I watched this terrible movie called Fling the other night about open relationships. Seems like every movie is going to demonize the lifestyle, or make it more fucked up and sordid than it really is. Oh, and pretty much no one used protection in it. Everyone I know who is poly is pretty strict about protection and getting tested. We're not just a bunch of sex-crazed degenerates.

I'm interested in checking out the new Showtime Polyamory reality show, though I don't really like most reality tv at all. It looks like it could either be interesting or exploitative. I'm worried it's possibly the latter. Still worth watching I suppose.

I think I'm going to tell my mom about all this. Not sure how she'll react. So far, people try hard to act like it's not a big deal, but it seems like they're a little shocked. Or they really just don't care. I think she could go either way, honestly. Maybe it won't be a big deal. Let's hope.

Last night I went out on a "friend date" with someone I had been talking to on OkCupid. Basically we were talking at the same time that I was talking to the man I'm now dating, and while I don't really feel equipped to try and date anyone else right now (nor do I have much desire to), I thought it would at least be nice to spend some time talking over drinks about being in monogamish/open relationships. And it was quite good. His situation seems different than mine, which was nice to get a different perspective. It's always good to make new friends. I forget that sometimes.

Anyway, through talking to him, and talking about my ex and how closed off he was to the idea of open relationships even though we had a lot of poly friends, I kind of had some epiphanies. Well, honestly, I've been having more and more of them in regards to that relationship as I go through all of this.

My ex is 14 years older than me. I must admit, I have always had a thing for older guys. I like men my own age as well, like my husband, but there's something intriguing about dating someone 10+ years older. I can't quite explain what it is, I just like it. Maybe it's the idea of experience, or the authority they seem to carry. Or maybe I have daddy issues. Who knows.

I started dating my ex when I was 23 years old and was with him for nearly 4 years. A very large chunk of my twenties. At the beginning he seemed interesting and kind of exciting, but that really changed over the course of our relationship. He became increasingly depressed and unmotivated. He really brought me into the goth scene, and with that, the fetish scene, but then quickly became very jealous of me doing these things and spending time with our friends, even if he was there. It was a very strange and obsessive relationship, but not a very sexual one. See, he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, yet didn't really find me very attractive. He very rarely said it outright, though. He mostly acted like he was into me, but never really wanted to have sex. And I was completely obsessed with him for some reason. But because I felt unattractive, I tried breaking things off with him many times, and turns out he was a bit obsessed with me as well. We just kept getting back together. I couldn't say no to him. It was like I was under some sort of spell.

I tried hard to turn myself into something he would want. I was very extreme about my look. I became something I was not, and it never even worked. So, basically I spent a very large chunk of what were supposed to be fun and carefree twenties bound up with a man who wasn't attracted to me, was depressed, codependent, and domineering. It was almost as though he systematically tore me down until I was under his control. I felt ugly and disgusting most of the time, ashamed of my curvy body, ashamed of my sexual desires. I felt guilt whenever I went out to spend time with my friends and spent a lot of time at home with him. But while he wanted me around, he didn't even seem to really like me much.

When I was in my early twenties, I was full of fire and confidence. I mean, yes, I wasn't always 100% confident, but I owned my body and knew I was an awesome person. This man helped shape me into a coward. It has been 5 years since I finally left him, and it has taken me a long time to feel good about myself again. I have really judged my own worth by what others think of me, rather than trying to love myself for who I am. My husband David has really been a good part of it. It took me a long time to trust him, and to believe that he actually wanted to be with me. I still have a lot of moments where I think I'm not good enough, but I'm learning to ignore that voice and to just be myself.

I think there was a time when I would have realized that being poly was right for me back then if it weren't for my ex being so down on it. Mostly because I had a lot of people in my life then who were poly and I found it very interesting. But I think being poly now is also coming from a place of missing out on some years where I could have been out having fun, dating and having sex, when I was just at home feeling terrible about everything.

But the big epiphany moment I had last night was when I realized why I'm having a hard time trusting things with this new relationship. Because I never expect people to actually be attracted to me. I really don't. So even though he tells me that he's really into me, there's a part of me that thinks that can't possibly be true. I think "there are so many other much more beautiful women in the world, why on earth would someone want to spend any time with me?" And that's just fucking stupid. I may not be very thin, but I am a good looking person. But it isn't even really that much about that. I mean, yes, looks count, but also? I'm an awesome person. That's what matters. Connecting with someone on a deeper level than just physical beauty is just how these things progress usually.

I'm so glad I can finally try and accept myself as I am. I am more confident again, a feeling I missed. It's a daily struggle, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't about me, it was about him and his own insecurities. I'm so glad I got away from that and am in a loving marriage with a good man. I feel very lucky.